Birchbox: February 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

February was all about being "Red Carpet Ready," but unfortunately my box didn't get the memo. Onto the Review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Bain de Terre: Passion Flower Color Preserving Shampoo- For such a fancy name, you'd think the packaging would match. What a horrible color scheme and overall vibe of the product. Even if I loved the product, I wouldn't buy it simply due to the poor marketing and merchandising of the brand. As far as useful information- the scent is bland and the effectiveness...ehh, my hair is clean.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Bain de Terre, you are like the ugly girl of shampoo. Get a makeover and then maybe we'll be friends."
• "I don't use anything that I cannot pronounce the name of...so sorry Bain de whaatttt?"

Bain de Terre: Passion Flower Color Preserving Conditioner- Oh, excellent! Where would a wonky shampoo be without it's trustee sidekick conditioner...in someone else's box, that's where.
Conditioners are a godsend, so I do enjoy them. I can't really be impressed with the "Color Preserving" aspect, because my hair dye cost less than $3 and I do it myself. It would cost more to preserve my glorious locks, than it would to just re-dye them.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Conditioners weigh down my hair and I don't realize that I'm probably using too much."
• "This brand isn't a luxury, for anyone. Cancel my subscription.

Caudalie: S.O.S Moring Eye Rescue- I always have such high hopes for eye creams, but I can never tell if they work. The cream does have a cooling effect when applied under the eye and the scent is calming. As far as eye creams go, this is nice...but it's not like it completely de-puffed my eyes and made me look like a beauty queen.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I don't know when to put this on. After my shower, before my makeup? After drinking?"
• "Thanks for making me feel like an old person by sending me this eye cream."

OPI: Sheer Tints: I Can Teal You Like Me- I like the idea of this, but I'm not one to get crazy with my nails. I feel uncomfortable, awkward and off-balance, so the best I could do with this polish is wear it as it is.

Reasons to Bitch

• "With the sheer blue tint on my nails, it looks as if lost oxygen and I'm dying."
• "Well, if this isn't the tiniest bottle of nail polish to ever be sent out. I'm outraged."

Harney & Sons Fine Teas: Wrapped Sachets- My mom brings her very own teabag when she comes to visit me, "just in case" I'm fresh out. She clearly doesn't know that I subscribe to Birchbox.  I, however, appreciate the luxury and different flavors of tea that I have discovered over time and this tea is incredible.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I have received tea in every other box and I'm going to tell all of my friends about this travesty. You just lost 3 subscribers, my friend."
• "Tea! Awesome...I can't wait until I get sick now."

Instead of "Red Carpet Ready," my box's theme was "Retirement community." Look Grandma, we brought you color preserving hair products for you sassy gray hair, eye-cream for those late night bingo games, a new fun polish for that date you mention with your neighbor, Graham and two delicious types of tea. Now don't forget who loves you."

Grade (for a 27 year old): 70.2% C-
Grade (for a 72 year old): 95% A (That blue polish was a little wild)

Birchbox: January 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Birchy-box, welcome home! Did your New Year's Resolution consist of sending out quality boxes? Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Fekkai: Brilliant Glossing Crème- Never have I ever used a better crème than Fekkai. The scent, texture and finish is better than that of any salon I have ever gone to. Fekkai is phenomenal.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This product has been on the market for several years now? Why are you just now discovering it?"
• "Um, yes. Target sells this and you expect me to believe that it's high-end?"

Inika: Mineral Eye Shadow in Eternal Marine- Mineral shadows take a bit of skill to master and usually has a lot of fallout. This product last for hours and stays in place far better than my experience with other mineral products. With the dazzling color and sheen, Inika in Eternal Marine will take the perfect nighttime look to the celebrity level.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Mineral shadows are too messy for me and I'm not very skilled in makeup application."
• "I don't love the color I received and I'll never venture away from my outdated look to wear this."

Juicy Couture: Couture La La- This scent smells very similar to something that I wore when I was younger and it doesn't really work with me now. The scent is light, sweet and...innocent? Overall, it's nice, but I feel like it was meant for a younger crowd.
 
Reasons to Bitch

• "I hate receiving perfume samples and all you ever send me is Juicy."
• "Just because it's over-priced, doesn't make it Couture."

Nail Rock: Velvet- This is by far the coolest product that I have received from Birchbox. Dark velvety nails is such a sexy idea. I wasn't impressed with staying power, but that's not really the selling point of this product.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I stupidly put a top coat over the velvet and now...it's just not fuzzy anymore."
• "Messy, messy, messy! I simple can't handle the mess!"

Burt's Bees: Intense Hydration Day Lotion- I am in love, in love with a lotion. The scent smells like summer and that's incredible. The texture, consistency and overall feel of the product was impressive. My hands actually felt hydrated after using the lotion. Well played, Burt.

Reasons to Bitch

• "How dare you include this 'mass market product' in my box?"
• "Burt's Bees? Are you serious? Only 'People of Wal-Mart' use Burt's Bees."

Overall, Birchbox killed any and all competitor this month and I hope that's just the beginning.

Grade: A+

Birchbox: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Hello! Birch-y-Box-y. It's that time of year again, where unrealistically high hopes come crashing down around us; commonly known as gift-giving season! Did you get what you wanted? Probably not. Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Dr. Lipp: Original Nipple Balm for Lips- I have waited foreverrr for this product (I really have) and after a quick 12 months, I finally got it. Now, the name is a little off-putting, but it's no secret, this product really works.

Reasons to Bitch

• "OMG, a beauty sub sending out nipple balms! I didn't sign up for a sex box!"
• "I didn't know this was for my lips...and now I don't have any left to try it out..."

FushionBeauty LashFushion XL: Black Mascara- Another Mascara and a sad one at that. The brush is oversized and the product is too thick to coat the lashes properly. Lame.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Enough with the black mascaras! At this point, I'll take any other color, but black."
• "I'm not sure if the mascara was dried out or just poorly made. Either way, lameeee."

Grand Central Beauty: S.M.A.R.T Skin Perfecting Polisher- Made with natural botanicals and formulated for sensitive skin...that's perfect! The gross factor is still high, because it attaches to dead skins cells and beads up onto your face. But whatever. Anything to stay ahead of the game.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This doesn't sound like it's for sensitive skin. I'm canceling. Effective immediately."
• "I don't like facial peels! Why can't you cater to my personal needs better?"

Toni & Guy: Casual Sea Salt Texturising Spray- Beach hair! I never have it, because the sun scares me, but now I can join the cool crowd. The scent is wonderful and the effect is lasting. An overall impressive product.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Errr, I live by the beach...did you not read that in my profile?!"
• "I already have wavy-soccer-mom-hair, so what's the point of this?"

Twistband: Hair Tie- I cannot get enough of the Twistband. The Twistband is completely revolutionary for hairstyling. It doesn't pull, stretch or snap. Finally, hair ties have been perfected.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I didn't like the original Twistband Headband...and then you send me this."
• "I could make this! I mean, I won't...but I want to belligerently put that out there that I could."

Overall, I was pleased. None of my products were missing and that alone, is huge. Birchbox continues to be a fun surprise and the customer service is always top-notch. Birchbox, I'll be seeing you in 2014.

Grade: B

Birchbox: Novemer 2013

Sweet Photo-skills of Jzim

The good, the bad, the Birchbox: This month was all over the place for me; having received 2 incomplete boxes to make up 1 full-box of samples was kind of an experience. The picture above is that of my 2 boxes combined to fix the initial error of sending me my original box with only 2 samples. Through this bizarre month, I have been able to capture Birchbox's customer service in full.

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Theme: More Good (The theme never correlates to the products received and it's more like 'what we should be focusing on for the month', itself. People like to cause a fuss about this...but uh, they need something to bitch about when waiting for their clothes to dry at the laundry mat. Zzing.

Aloxxi: Weightless Styling Gelee- High-priced hair products aren't always worth the cost, and this is one of them. This gelee has an incredible unisex scent, but it's pretty lackluster in every other area. The consistency is thin and stringy and the benefits aren't really impressive.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I don't use fancy hair products and refuse to ever even try."
• "This costs too much for my penny-pinching ways."

Color Club: On the Rocks- This polish is the perfect holiday color for all of the upcoming parties. Color Club does a remarkable job with their formula and applicator brush. Having several Color Club polishes already, I am once again, impressed.

Reasons to Bitch

• "We get sent Color Club polish in every other box and I'm over that."
• "Once again, I got a sassy, fun color and I simply won't wear that to the office."

Laura Mercier: Lip Glace in Quartz- This gloss is so incredible, that I just might just need to re-evaluate everything I know about lip products. Laura Mercier Lip Glace is very similar to Bare Escentuals Marvelous Moxie gloss, minus the tingling sensation. The color, intensity, scent, texture, finish and design is amazing. Santa, be warned....I expect this in my stocking.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Quartz, who wears a brown lip gloss?"
• "24 dollars for a lip product? What is the made out of, gold?"

Eyeko: Black Magic Mascara- Simple curved, classic black mascara. I don't think this will replace any of my lash favorites, but I'm happy to stick the adorable tube in my purse for those quick "I always look this good," moments.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Another black mascara...need I say more?"
• "I have such sensitive little eyes and I can't use this!"

Fatty Sundays: Chocolate Covered Pretzel- I received the chocolate mint and nut pretzel and although I enjoy all of those flavors, combining them together doesn't exactly cause a party in my mouth. Once you accept the fact that you're eating something with the word "Fatty" in it, you are then saddened by the weird combination flavor.

Reasons to Bitch

• 'Fatty Sunday' has unfortunately ruined my love with all things chocolate and pretzel.
• "This wasn't a beauty sample and I'm one of those classless scum-bags that blast mean things to the company about a small pretzel sample."

Overall, with all the mishaps I endured this month, I'm still pleased. Birchbox has the most incredible customer service and I don't know who "Sara" is, but she is phenomenal. Mistakes happen (quite frequently with Birchbox) but they will overcome that and with the customer service they have intact, I'm inclined to work with them.

Grade: E for effort

Birchbox: October 2013 Review

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

 

Birchbox is on fire this month with timely shipping, impressive product "samples," and over-the-top customer service, but don't worry...bitches are still bitching.

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards

Theme: Beauty Buzz

Benefit Cosmetics: Fake Up- I was pleasantly surprised to find a Benefit product in my box, because I never get sent them. I just figured Benefit was "anti-Jamie," and didn't want to play with me. "Fake-up" is a brilliant concept where it moisturizes, conceals and gives the appearance that you're ready to tackle the day. The packaging is adorable and it really works, a total must-have.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I don't fake anything Benefit, just orgasms, I fake those."
• "The sample is just too small and I deserve a full-size product."
• "I don't have dark circles and simply don't know any other woman that does."

Liz Earle: Cleanse & Polish Hot Cloth Cleanser- Such a huge sample, beautifully packaged. After reading the instructions I scrubbed up and immediately fell in love with this cleanser. The smooth texture of the polish leaves the skin feeling alive, awake and clean. Another A+

Reasons to Bitch

• "I already have a cleanser that I use and would never dare to update my preferences."
• "This product smells like medicine."
• "I don't like how it requires a special cloth to use effectively."

Liz Earle: Pure Muslin Cloth- Part two of the Liz Earle Cleanse & Polish. In addition to the polish, this cloth seals the deal. My skin feels unbelievable and it's because of this slightly course cleansing cloth.

Reasons to Bitch

• "You counted this as one of my samples, so I'm going to write mean letters on the BB Facebook page."
• "I only use hypo-allergenic materials on my sensitive face."
• "I have to wash this cloth? Thanks for the extra chore, Liz."

Pop Beauty Aqua Lacquer: Flowery Fuchsia- Pop Beauty hasn't been a favorite of mine, but they may have just redeemed themselves. This gloss is slightly minty with a versatile feminine color. The only downside is that the applicator...is a "paddle." Definitely not so easy for a quick application in a crowded-club scene.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I poked myself in the eye with the applicator paddle."
• "This gloss makes me feel like a pre-teen and I'm a sassy-outspoken, blue-hair."
• "Pop Beauty makes those awful Pouty Pop Crayons, and I can't forgive them for that."

ChapStick Moisturizer Hydration Lock: Vanilla Crème- If I was trapped on a desert island and could only take 3 things, ChapStick would be one of them. The scent is 'wah' to me, but it's more of a cake-vanilla, rather than warm-vanilla. Ultra-moisturizing and lip-smoothing, ChapStick, I'm in love.

Reasons to Bitch

• "My bitch girl-friends and I didn't sign up to receive ChapStick."
• "I never use ChapStick and I'm content with my alligator lips."
• "I twisted up my ChapStick and now it won't go back down."

Overall, Birchbox is aiming high and setting their sights on regaining their subscription crown.

A+ Birchbox

SIGN UP & BITCH

Birchbox: September 2013 Review

Sweet photo-skills of Jzim

September's theme is Heritage, all about where they came from and how they got to be there. ie: Started from the bottom, now I'm here...according the Drake

A good bit of the caterwauling on Birchbox's Facebook page has been positive for this month. Sure there still are your negative nancy's, but where else can we find such trivial ridiculousness other than on the inter-web?

My box of preciousness includes:

Amika: Blow Up Spray- Such a great scent...It makes me feel like I just went to a salon and that I could actually have money, like be a wealthy kind of girl. It has that kind of affect on me. A product that protects your hair AND gives you a false sense of financial security, A+

Caudalie: Cleaning Water: How pretentious, "Cleansing Water," It's so stuck-up and I love that. It easily removes make-up and doesn't leave a greasy after feel. Nothing is worse than using a makeup remover and then having to wash your face because of the oils. The packing is also well done. It's like they are telling us that they are better than us, but they still want to be our friend.

Coastal Scents: Moroccan Sunset- Highly pigmented and overall I'm impressed. This quad is super cute and will be perfect for a mini-zpalette to stick in your car for whenever you need to go to Target, because Wal-Mart didn't have what you needed.

Ruffian: Hedge Fund- Hallelujah, I got the green color. It's such a glamorous fall lacquer and the application was of high quality. The packaging was also adorable. A win on all fronts.

Egyptian Magic: All- Purpose Skin Cream (Beauty Extra) Before your panties get stuck up your annoying ass, calm down and realize that this "foil packet," is indeed, a "Beauty extra." Ok, you're welcome...you were not aware of this, but now you are. What is exciting about this product is that it helps with moisturizing, wrinkles BRUISES & BURNS. I mean that's cool. I can't wait to get burned now, maybe even kicked and bruised.

Overall, I loved this month. Sadly, BB forgot to send me my "Golden Ticket of 1,000 BB points." I'll keep checking my account for these points for their massive mishap. Geez.

Everyday there is incessant bitching and unnecessary comparison of Ipsy vs. Birchbox, which doesn't even make sense. If you take my box alone, subtract the Egyptian Magic, the box itself and add an Ipsy bag, you have almost an exact month sample of what Ipsy would send. Ipsy sends coastal scents all the time. So why is everyone bashing Birch box and comparing them to Ipsy, well short answer...people are stupid.

Sign-up for Birchy-box: I want a Birchbox, too!

Love,
Jamie.

Birchbox Bitching: August 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

 

Birch-y-box just arrived! For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

The August theme is "Finishing School." I did not understand the theme was concurrent with "Prep School or Cotillion Classes." I thought it was like, "Hey, I'm Finishing School!" It wasn't until I read the added literature that I understood the theme. I can't be the only one...

 

Tan Towel- A Birchbox Beauty Extra, I like the idea of this, but I'm whiter than a ghost, so it would take more than 1 Tan Towel to fix me up. I'll still get the bright idea that this will, in fact make me a bronze goddess and use it...most likely before a big event where all my friends will be.

 

Reasons to Bitch

• "Only 1 Tan Towel! I expected a whole box of them!"
• "I'm already tan...what can I do with this?"
• I only like to tan with natural sun light...not with chemicals!"
• The packaging tells me to "Look Good Naked," bitch please...have you seen me! I'm already there.

Dr. Jart+ Beauty Balm- I haven't met a BB Cream that I haven't loved. The color matches perfectly and the finish is matte and oil-free.

 

Reasons to Bitch

• "The color doesn't match my skin, perfectly! (You probably don't even know what you need)"
• "I expected more than a 7-day "trial."
• "My skin is super sensitive and I'm way too much of a puss to try this."
• "Beauty Balm? I thought that was a lip balm. Hook and bate, BB!"

Modelco Party Proof Lipstick (Disco Fever)- I am a lipstick whore. I can't get enough of the color-infused, glam-tubes. (Mine came broken, but the fabulous customer service at BB is shipping me a new one)

 

Reason to Bitch

• "The color! Wah, wah the color! Disco Fever? More like Ugly Fever."
• "Party Proof? Nobody invites me to any parties. Now I'm even sadder."
• "I don't wear lipstick...and I'm angry that you tried to make my attractive."

Lumiere d'hiver Super Comb and Protect- Leave-in conditioner is my hair's only saving grace. Without leave-in conditioners, I'd most likely pull a crazed Britney Spears and shave my hair off. I love the scent of this product. It has a masculine-type scent and nothing close to Vanilla. The sample size is quite nice, too.

 

Reasons to Bitch

• "My pump-spray won't work, because I didn't prime it enough."
• "I only use Argon Oils from exotic countries, not leave-in conditioners."
• "I don't like the scent." I prefer Vanilla."
• "The packaging is colorless. I'm a cheery kind of girl and this just won't do." 

Jasmine Seven Fresh Feet Wipes- Feet wipes! This is a good idea, but it's a bit pretentious. My friends already think I'm fussy, because the outdoors scare me; so I think it'll be great to bust out these wipes and use them in their company.

 

Reasons to Bitch

• "I use my vagina wipes for a whole-body tune up. I'm already covered, Jasmine."
• "I'm anti-flip flops, so my feet never get dirty."
• The peppermint scent burns my delicate little tootsies. Wah.
• "I didn't know that I couldn't use these on my face and now my eyes are swollen. Lawyer Up, BB."

What can I say? I love Birchbox. I find all kinds of sweet products that I never knew existed. After this box, I'm officially ready to "Finish School."

Clickity-click-click SIGN UP & BITCH

 

Message Board Meanies

I like to lurk in the shadows of message boards instead of actively participating in the thread. My reason for doing so is the simple fact that I am looking for information and not a petty dispute with some bitch with internet balls.

Message boards are like the mean-girl clique in high school. You can easily identify your "key players," and all the others are sheep. It wasn't until years later, that I myself was actually referred to as a mean girl. It's with this experience that I am able to see and appreciate both sides of the spectrum and go forth to create a blog such as this.

Continuing on, message boards are a breeding pool of pathetic, life-sucking leeches. Whether you are looking for beauty advice, recipes, video games or Dungeon and Dragons loser-y-ness (and ladies, Nerds are ridiculously sexy) you should be treated with semi-respect.

Some people go as far as to verbally attack another, solely based on the fact that she kindly suggested advice or asked a question that was "public knowledge." I was skimming through a popular message board today and there was a stupid, menial issue and 10+ women ganged up on her, calling her a bitch and whatnot. She didn't embrace the "B" word, like I have, and was truly upset. I, the lurker, found it increasingly difficult to gather the information that I was seeking. The offended woman, rightfully so, posted a lengthy rebuttal and genuinely stated that her day was ruined. I felt sadness for this woman, because she let some cliquish, A-holes, upset her. Some other girls attempted to stick up for her, but it became a "don't sit with the loser kid at lunch, because you then become a loser, yourself syndrome." All in all, if you're going to be a twat, don't hide behind a screen name and invite your nasty friends to join the bitch-fest.

“Grateful” vs. “Hateful”

Grateful Subscribers: These are the type of women who take extreme offense when others verbally attack a company and criticize what products they will be receiving. Grateful Subscribers often tell the Hateful Subscibers to “Stop complaining and just be thankful. Many others, potentially thousands are dying to get off the wait list, at least you can be is appreciative.”

 
Hateful Subscribers: These are the type of women that hate, criticize and attack everything. They relentlessly and tirelessly find new and nasty ways to insult a product, company and others. Most of the hating in done based on spoilers alone. Hateful Subscribers often resort to the “Ever heard of freedom of speech, and “DON’T you DARE tell me how to spend my ten dollars! If I want to throw a publically displayed, bitch-fit, that’s MY prerogative.”  

 
Now, ladies, ladies and possible gentleman…let’s focus group this bitch. First off, I’d like to thank you for filling some of my free-time with your catty-chit-chat.  It is quite amusing and amazing blog inspiration. I do have the answer though…one we can all agree on. Grateful Subscribers, shut up. Hateful Subscribers, shut up. There, now we’re all unhappy.

 
Lesson: If you don’t have anything nice to say (again, your freedom to still be a biznitch) then don’t say anything at all.

Sample Society: August 2013

August 2, 2013: Scheduled to arrive today. Impressive shipping time

August 1, 2013: Nothing makes my heart happier than seeing a shipping confirmation in my inbox. Sample Society has finally lived up to their "We ship on the 1st of the month," promise. Plus 1 for SS. What I enjoy most about SS is that you can immediately see what you're receiving in your box. Birchbox has this same concept, but you have to wait until the 10th...11th or whenever BB can get their website going to view your treasures.

Here is what I am to expect in my Sample Society Box:

Dr. Hauschka Skin Care Cleansing Cream-Deluxe Sample-SS                  

                

  Elemental Herbology Cell Plumping -Facial Hydrator SPF 8-0.5 oz.-SS                 

  Jane Iredale Lash Conditioner-SS                               

 

  Korres Cherry Lip Gloss-11 Buff Deluxe Sample-SS    

                              

      Dr. T's Supergoop! City Sunscreen Serum SPF 30 SS

Again, I completely copied and pasted the contents of my box straight from the Sample Society Page. Thanks!

 

I am excited to try these products...as I always am. Do my eyelashes need conditioned...maybe? Lip Gloss...who can complain about Lip Gloss, well everyone...but not me. I love it more than a fat kid loves cake. Actually, cake and Lip Gloss is pretty much what makes my life, but I digress. Supergoop! I get this in every box. Am I excited? Not really. Will I use it? Sure...but I only go outside like 1 day a year. The problem with the outside is that it's actually outside. I know! I can't get enough of packaging and Sample Society does this quite well. As for the Elemental Herbology Cell Plumping Facial Hydrator...well that sounds like it's going to hurt.

 

Cost: 15.00

 

Value: To Be Determined

 

Worth: So far so good