Temporary Hiatus

I must apologize for not updating my bloggy for what seems like ages. I have found myself, pregnant and between the constant peeing and nefarious nausea, my bloggy has taken a severe backseat. With that said, I will be back for May and fully except some type of drama that we can all make fun of, or viciously attack others over. It is, after all, a tough life out there, when our $10.00 doesn't quite yield the jackpot that we were all expecting.

Thank you to all of those that have waited patiently, your kindness if very much appreciated.

Influenster: Optic White Toothbrush + Built-in Whitening Pen

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.

White teeth is something that we all dream about, but unless you can afford venires...you can count yourself out. I have tried every sort of teeth whitening kit, to professional bleaching and I just figured that pearly whites weren't meant for me, but then...Colgate invented the Optic White Toothbrush + built-in Whitening Pen.

The Colgate Optic White Tooth-brush + Built-in Whitening Pen is unlike any toothbrush or whitening kit that I have used. There is absolutely zero mess or lengthy waiting time for beautiful teeth. Colgate combined the daily brushing routine with the fantasy of having white teeth, into one compact toothbrush. Lighter than a traditional toothbrush, Colgate created a Whitening Pen that snaps into the base of the toothbrush, for an easier than ever teeth whitening experience. I was thrilled with seeing near immediate results and I almost started to like having to brush my teeth.

After brushing with the Colgate Optic White toothpaste, it was clear that Colgate owned my mouth. I  had a better experience than I did with my own dentist, sans health insurance. Thanks to Colgate, I am now able to brush and whiten my teeth within minutes.

Considering that each Colgate Optic White Toothbrush + Built-in Pen kit is supposed to last for 3 months, the 15.00 retail value is a steal. Whiter teeth in just 2 days...who could say no to that?

 Overall, I still hate mornings, but I love my white teeth.

Grade: A+

 

Glossybox: February 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Theme: The Month of Love (Unless you're single...then it's just February.)

Calm down...this is why you're single.

Anatomicals: Puffy The Eye Bag Slayer Wake Up Under Eye Patches: Dear God do I hate puns and the in your face attempt at trying to be funny that Anatomicals plasters all over their products. I haven't enjoyed a single product from Anatomicals...until these eye patches. Being a lady of the night, mornings are the devil and I don't exactly want others to know that I was "raging" the night before. With 30 minutes of relaxation from these lengthy-named eye patches, I almost look...human again.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "These eye patches gave me a rash and now nobody wants to be my friend."
• "I really want to buy these, but they are next to impossible to find!"

Lauren B. Beauty: Nail Couture in City of Angels- Pink, pastel polish is a fail for my ghost-like complexion. The polish is very thin and it takes 3 coats for a decent application. After the polish dries, the overall look is streaked and patchy. Lauren B. is also a pain to wipe off once it comes into contact with your skin.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "14 day no-chip guarantee? Yeah, I'll believe that once my Unicorn gives birth."
• "The brush was too long and flimsy; paired with a disappointing formula, we all lose."

Pureology Serious Colour Care: Colour Fanatic- With such a beautiful scent, I'd use this spray even if I didn't dye my hair. Overall, my hair feels softer and manageable.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "I don't dye my hair...so this is a flop!"
• "My stylist has graciously hooked me up with an exceptionally high-end and over-priced hair care line. I'll pass Pureology, I'll pass.

Skin&Co Roma: Truffle Therapy Serum Plus- Anything that smells like coconut and sunscreen can be my friend. I can't say that I see any dramatic improvements with my skin, but I do smell like summertime...and for 75.00 per 1 fl ou, that's a steal. Psych, I can' afford this! After application, my skin felt tighter around my eyes and my cheeks felt smoother. Perhaps Skin&Co is the real deal.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "I hope with all my heart that another sub sends me a Skin&Co product, because I'll never be able to afford it on my own."
• "I don't know what 'serums' actually do...so...I just won't use this.

Sumita Beauty: Kala Color Intense Pencil- Very similar to the Urban Decay 24/7 liner and I'm in love. Sumita doesn't blend quite as easily as Urban Decay, and that is awesome. Sumita in Kala is very black and actually lasts all day. The pencil is not retractable and did break while filling in my cat eye, but I can forgive those faults. If I didn't have a surplus of black liners, I'd absolutely repurchase this pencil.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "I needed another black liner, like I need another hole in my head."
• "I am such a n00b when it comes to makeup and the only thing that I know how to do with black liners is to ring my whole eye like a whore."

Well played, Glossybox...for several months now, you have been lacking...but luckily you're making a comeback. Friendship: Renewed.

Grade: B+

Blush Mystery Beauty Box: February 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Bioxidea Miracle 48: Excellence Gold- With extreme hesitation I tried this expensive gummy-like facial mask and I only lasted for 5 minutes with it on. Face masks in general scare me, due to a fairly severe allergic reaction that I had to one in high school. Also noteworthy, my skin is very sensitive, so my review my not be the most helpful. After 5 minutes of use, my cheeks slightly started to burn and I removed the mask. My skin felt tighter, semi-soft and dry. For extra measure, I took a Benadryl to curb any possible side-effect that may develop. I like the idea of facial masks, but ultimately they scare me, harm my skin and waste my time. 

Reasons to Bitch

• "$25 dollars for a one-time use mask, what am I made out of...money?"
• "I was highly allergic to this face mask and now I have to wear a ski mask until it gets better.  
• "I felt like I had cold lunch meet on my face, due to the jelly like texture of the mask. Eee."

NYX: Are You Depreyeved of Long and Full Lashes Mascara Serum: Jet Black- How basic can one mascara be...look no further, NYX has that answer. This is nothing more than a "beginner" mascara and it does nothing for my lashes.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Why, oh why can't we ever receive any other color than black?"
• "I am drowning in mascara and wonder why makeup subs keep sending them."

NCLA Nail Wraps- Pizzo- If these worked well, I'd be all about them, but they don't. They are no better than taping on fancy wrapping paper to your nails. Sadly for NCLA, their competitors know how to make a nail wrap, leaving their product with much to be desired.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I didn't sign up to receive cheap nail stickers!"
• "With these sweet nails, I will absolutely land me that dream job that I wanted...as a stripper."

Klorane: Dry Shampoo with Nettle- Klorane is an excellent brand which keeps producing incredible products. This Dry Shampoo has a refreshing mint scent that refreshes and revitalizes your hair, without weighing it down. Beautiful.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Well this will go into my 'Things to bring to a desert island' bag." Blush, I  actually wash my hair.
• "This leaves a filmy, white residue on my hair...because I use way too much of it and spray too close to my head.

DHC Deep Cleansing Oil- As much as I'd like to join the "cult following," of DHC, it just isn't going to happen. Oil cleansers are often the cause of future breakouts, and that is the antithesis of my skin care regimen.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Isn't this an old person makeup remover? I mean, you can order it from a catalog."
• "How old school is this packaging? I mean, DHC, did you give up after your first lame product design?"

Elizabeth Arden: Untold Eau de Parfum- Horrible bottle design. The last time this style of bottle was on trend, the Golden Girls were new to television. The scent is a mixture of 'old lady and intrigue' and who knew that would smell so good. Golden Girls & Bitchbox approved.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This perfume didn't come with a little spritzer and my fine motor skills are still developing."
• "I cannot stand when subs send me perfume samples, I can get those for free. Unsubscribe."

VBEAUTE: Rub Off Gentle Facial Exfoliator- Rub off exfoliators are rapidly gaining popularity in the skin care realm due to the immediate visible results. As off putting as seeing your dead skin cells clump together and roll off your face, I can't deny the overall satisfaction and results of the product.

Reasons to Bitch

• "If I wanted to remove the first layer of my skin, I'd get a chemical peel."
• "I don't enjoy having a glue-like substance, cling to my facial hair, making me look like I have a skin disease."

Jonathan: Finish Control High Shine Flexible Hairspray (Bonus Gift)- Amazing. I haven't been more satisfied with a hairspray than I am with this one. I think the packaging needs updated, but the product itself is great. The hold, texture and scent is light and airy. A+ 

Reasons to Bitch

• "I wanted a different 'free gift.' Ugh I have all the worst luck."
• "Aerosol destroys the ozone layer. Do you actually think that I want that on my consequence?"

Grade: B+

Ipsy: February 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Just in case you do get that date for the weekend, Ipsy curated a "Look of Love" themed bag. If not...well, at least you can take a new, pretty  profile picture...that  only gets 3 likes. 

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

POP Beauty Plump Pout Mini: Peony - Pop Beauty is determined to make it in the cosmetic field and as long as they never make another Pop Beauty Lip Crayon, they will. The packaging was flawless and the color is bold. Dramatic lips is my favorite cosmetic trend and oddly enough, Pop Beauty has risen to the occasion. As far as "plumping" goes..it didn't do a thing. Womp.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Heavens to murgatroyd! This lippie smells like gasoline and chemicals galore!"
• "This would be a stunning color...for my 8th grade daughter." Shaming finger.

Zoya Nail Polish: Odette- It's no secret that Ipsy loves Zoya and I'm glad that they do. Zoya Nail Polish is incredible for the sole fact that their colors look exactly the same as they do in the bottle. Odette is a classy, muted purple that complimented every possible outfit I put on. Well played, Zoya.

Reasons to Bitch

• "How many polishes can a girl own?" Be ashamed of yourself if you asked this.
• "The polish was thick and did not apply well. Wahhhhh"

City Color Be Matte Blush: Melon- How pink is too pink...'City Color Be Matte' doesn't know or care. I love this blush, but for me and my lack of any pigmentation, I will have to wait for the summer to wear this. Overall, it's a gorgeous, bright pink and it makes me look like a doll.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I already have rosy cheeks...and I don't need to wear blush."
• "Simply too many parabens in this blush for my needs...now back to my organic garden."

Tini Beauty Eyetini Cordial Cream Shadow + Base In One: Amethyst- After application of this product, I felt my eyes tear up and my lids burning. Being a team player, I decided to wait it out. A mere 10 minutes later, I colored my other lid and enjoyed that burning. After the product dried and transitioned into a workable shadow, the burning eased. The color itself is lighter when dried and easily blended. This shadow lasted all day and the color was flattering...luckily for me, it burns, too.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I can barely apply regular, matte shadow. Who even knows how to do this?"
• "Wah, I didn't receive the color that I wanted and that ruins everything."

Dr. Lin Skincare Acne Spot Corrector- Incredible. I've been a  long time fan of ProActiv+, but I think that I enjoy Dr. Lin more. The scent didn't reek of chemicals and medicine and the finish was smooth and hydrating. Dr. Lin's Acne Spot Corrector tingles upon application and you can almost feel the healing process. A+

Reasons to Bitch

• "I only use organic products on my blemishes...and that's why I still have blemishes..."
• "I broke out even worse from using this product. What now, Dr. Lin?"

February 2014 Bag Edition: Luckily this bag was pink to offset all of the possibly outraged women over the "Why wouldn't February's bag be Valentine's day themed" complaints. The classic pink color and festive cheetah-like design on the inside is great. The quality, is again, excellent and the design of the bag, perfect.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "Ugh, you went with the quintessential pink-theme for Singles Awareness day." 
• "I am against all animal cruelty and even find the pink cheetah design offensive."  

Overall, this bag was stellar. Also noteworthy, Ipsy has been steadily improving their "Rewards Program" and I appreciate that. For someone who isn't very good at getting referrals- or just simply refuses to spam the Facebook page with links, I am excited about the possibility of actually receiving an award.

Grade: A+

Birchbox: February 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

February was all about being "Red Carpet Ready," but unfortunately my box didn't get the memo. Onto the Review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Bain de Terre: Passion Flower Color Preserving Shampoo- For such a fancy name, you'd think the packaging would match. What a horrible color scheme and overall vibe of the product. Even if I loved the product, I wouldn't buy it simply due to the poor marketing and merchandising of the brand. As far as useful information- the scent is bland and the effectiveness...ehh, my hair is clean.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Bain de Terre, you are like the ugly girl of shampoo. Get a makeover and then maybe we'll be friends."
• "I don't use anything that I cannot pronounce the name of...so sorry Bain de whaatttt?"

Bain de Terre: Passion Flower Color Preserving Conditioner- Oh, excellent! Where would a wonky shampoo be without it's trustee sidekick conditioner...in someone else's box, that's where.
Conditioners are a godsend, so I do enjoy them. I can't really be impressed with the "Color Preserving" aspect, because my hair dye cost less than $3 and I do it myself. It would cost more to preserve my glorious locks, than it would to just re-dye them.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Conditioners weigh down my hair and I don't realize that I'm probably using too much."
• "This brand isn't a luxury, for anyone. Cancel my subscription.

Caudalie: S.O.S Moring Eye Rescue- I always have such high hopes for eye creams, but I can never tell if they work. The cream does have a cooling effect when applied under the eye and the scent is calming. As far as eye creams go, this is nice...but it's not like it completely de-puffed my eyes and made me look like a beauty queen.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I don't know when to put this on. After my shower, before my makeup? After drinking?"
• "Thanks for making me feel like an old person by sending me this eye cream."

OPI: Sheer Tints: I Can Teal You Like Me- I like the idea of this, but I'm not one to get crazy with my nails. I feel uncomfortable, awkward and off-balance, so the best I could do with this polish is wear it as it is.

Reasons to Bitch

• "With the sheer blue tint on my nails, it looks as if lost oxygen and I'm dying."
• "Well, if this isn't the tiniest bottle of nail polish to ever be sent out. I'm outraged."

Harney & Sons Fine Teas: Wrapped Sachets- My mom brings her very own teabag when she comes to visit me, "just in case" I'm fresh out. She clearly doesn't know that I subscribe to Birchbox.  I, however, appreciate the luxury and different flavors of tea that I have discovered over time and this tea is incredible.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I have received tea in every other box and I'm going to tell all of my friends about this travesty. You just lost 3 subscribers, my friend."
• "Tea! Awesome...I can't wait until I get sick now."

Instead of "Red Carpet Ready," my box's theme was "Retirement community." Look Grandma, we brought you color preserving hair products for you sassy gray hair, eye-cream for those late night bingo games, a new fun polish for that date you mention with your neighbor, Graham and two delicious types of tea. Now don't forget who loves you."

Grade (for a 27 year old): 70.2% C-
Grade (for a 72 year old): 95% A (That blue polish was a little wild)

Pop Sugar Must Have: February 2014

If being single on Valentine's day was your only problem, then you clearly didn't receive this box. Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Nourish Organic Argan Face Serum- As lackluster as this product is, I'm pleased with the timing of it. The polar vortex is destroying my skin and nothing has been able to save me from it. Used only when needed, Nourish Organic Argan oil is impressive.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I have super oily skin already and then you send me facial oil? Is this a colossal joke?"
• "I don't use products like this, ever. I refuse to even try to incorporate this into my routine."

Sugarwish Candy: Cinnamon Hearts- I don't know how many cinnamon hearts are packed into this box, but I've eaten almost all of them. Out of all things candy, this one wouldn't be my all-time pick, but I can no longer deny it's cinnamon-y goodness.

 Reasons to Bitch

• "I know I was one of those crotchety women that died when receiving the 'drug store' chocolate several boxes back...and you correct the situation with an over-priced, candy-shop featuring cinnamon hearts...instead of chocolate? Really. Happy Valentine's day to NO ONE.
• "Cinnamon is much too spicy. Ow wee."

Gorjana Brooks Jewelry Roll- I like the idea of a jewelry roll and I didn't have one, but this one just doesn't fit my style. Red, sassy leather for all of my business trips and vacations that I don't actually go on. The wrap design fascinates me and I can appreciate the  jewelry roll itself, but the style is more of a "subscribe to this magazine and get a tacky red jewelry roll for freesies."

Reason to Bitch

• "Just in case my boyfriend that I DON'T have suddenly buys me jewelry...I'll have a place to keep it safe...from all of my imaginary friends, that is.
• "I like bold, statement pieces that can't even fit in this jewelry roll. Color me sad."

NCLA Nail Polish: Rodeo Drive Royalty- NCLA just isn't going to happen for me. I don't find the formula lasting, chip proof or high-end. The deep dark red is fitting for Valentine's day...assuming you even have plans.

Reasons to Bitch

• "If I didn't already own this color from every other nail company, I just might be excited."
• "I don't wear polishes and can't understand why beauty subs keeps sending them to me."

Model Co. Lip Pops Duo Lip Gloss and Lip Stick: Finding a good lip stick is like finding a good bra; basically mission impossible. Overall, I was highly impressed with this lip product. Worn singularly as a gloss or a lip stick is just one of the beautiful aspects of this product.
 Reasons to Bitch

• "I don't wear lipsticks, or glosses. A double no."
• "I have no one to kiss on Valentine's day, other than my cats...and they don't require lipstick."

K. Hall Designs Candle Tin: Peony- I adore candles, but this one makes me want to dig a hole, climb into it and never come out again. The next time I travel and want to have sex to a horrible smelling candle...I'll be in luck.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I have severe allergies that prevent me from enjoying simple pleasures in life like scented candles."
• "Floral scents remind me of funeral homes...and that just isn't romantic."

Dial Vitamin Boost Body Wash- The body wash that has caused extreme turmoil, frustration and embarrassing verbal attacks on other subscribers is the ultimate 'gem of the box.' While this body wash is fine, it is extremely out of place, causing the most ridiculous uproar that I have seen to date.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Even Wal-Mart refuses to carry Dial because it's so cheap."
• "I'm specifically not going to shower just to show my spite for this soap."

Long story short: Everyone fought about this soap and attacked each other, until they used it and surprisingly enjoyed it. Hence, Dials new tagline for their Vitamin Boost Body Wash:

"Even pretentious bitches like us."

Overall, this wasn't the box for me. While I seem to be enjoying the products more so than I thought, I can't help but feel a bit jaded, dishearted and...defeated.

Grade: D

Ipsy: January 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

January seems to be a challenge for subscription boxes and well, onto the review:

"Reasons to Bitch" is all inspired by what others are bitching about on message boards. Thanks for bitching, bitches.

Elizabeth Mott Smooth Shadow: Pearl- Shimmery shadow that easily blends is a welcomed addition to any makeup collection. The Pearl color can be used as a highlighter or for a quick-fix to wake up tired eyes.

Reasons to Bitch

• "How in the world do I sharpen this plastic pencil? This is simply beyond me."
• (A really sharp sharper, is what you need.")
• "I don't like the color I received and will never even consider experimenting with this."

Épicé Purifying Exfoliant- Facial exfoliants are never exciting to me, but seemingly Épicé has a good one. I don't think at anytime, I'll be switching up my routine,  but this will make a good scrub for the gym bag...whenever I go back to the gym. 

Reasons to Bitch

• "Épicé isn't all that well known and I already have a top-rated skin care regimen."
• "I was over zealous while scrubbing my face and now I'm in pain."

MicaBeauty Tinted Lip Balm: Natural- This is the absolute driest lip 'balm' in the world and that breaks my heart. The color is a darker nude and it doesn't really match my skin tone. Paired with a deep, smoky eye this product just may work.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This balm soaked up all the moisture that I had in my lips, leaving me all chapped...and sad."
• "Balms that do not include a brush are breeding pools for bacteria and diseases."

Proactiv+ Mark Fading Pads- Proactive+ is a well-trusted brand and one that has changed my life. I will forever use their products. Luckily, I don't have a need for the mark fading pads, but with 4 pads included in my bag, it's not like I'll even know if they work.

[Edit 2/20/2014] These mark fading pads smell like onions and alcohol, plus they burn. This is simply an awful product. Proactiv+ why? Why!

Reasons to Bitch

• "Proactiv+ is just too harsh for my little skin."
• "I can't afford the Proactiv+ system and don't realize that Wal-Mart makes almost the exact same formula as Proactiv+ itself.

Sexy Hair: Healthy Sexy Hair Soy Tri-Wheat Leave In Conditioner- Sexy Hair is a brand I believe in. Their products are always on the cutting edge of hair styling and they really do live up to their name. This product can be used for all four seasons and improve overall hair-health.

Reasons to Bitch

• "All I ever get is 'Sexy Hair' products and I'm drowning in them."
• "I enjoy my coarse pubic like hair and don't see how a leave-in conditioner will help."

Overall, this bag seemed a little misguided, but it wasn't without a valiant attempt.

January 2014 Bag Edition -I was the least excited to get this bag, because online...it just looked so damn awful, but it's absolutely my favorite bag to date. The contrasting blues, simple design and over-sized pouch is perfect.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This bag smells like a chemical explosion and I absolutely had to throw it away."
• "Considering this bag looks like it was made out of a pool lining, I'd be more comfortable receiving it in the summer months.

Grade: B- (literally an 80.25%)

Pop Sugar Must Have: January 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Hello Pop Sugar, thank you for being in my life. After last January's debacle, I had zero faith in this box. Onto the review:  

"Reasons to Bitch" is all inspired by what others are bitching about on message boards. Thanks for bitching, bitches.

Rifle Paper Co. 2014 Flip Around the World Desk Calendar- As cute as this calendar is, it's not very practical. The days of the week are not listed and there isn't enough room to write in appointments. 

"Do you want to meet next Thursday?"
"Let me look at my calendar."
"...I have no idea."

Reasons to Bitch

• "Why would we receive a calendar halfway through January? Bad planning, PopShug."
• "I already have my daily bible verse calendar, so this is going in the trash."

Jack and Lucy Knit Tech Gloves- These are simply not awesome. The stitching, 'tech-tips,' and overall fit of the gloves is a let down. These gloves do work for the iPhone, but you have to adjust the way you type and that's a slight hassle. Ultimately, it's like Jack and Lucy, didn't really care about their product and well, it shows.

Reasons to Bitch

• "When I thought of tech gloves, I didn't imagine knit gloves poorly made by my nana."
• "I live in a sunny paradise and I know not one person that could ever use a pair of gloves, especially these gloves."

The Juice Generation Book- Assuming that I can find half of these products, without going to the Farmer's Market, I think this is a great idea. The practicality of this book and me actually taking the time to make these spinach infused peach drinks, well that's a whole other adventure.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I don't have a juicer OR a blender...and you expect me to buy that?"
• "I am anti-veggies and fruits. I can't even consider this lifestyle."

Malin+Goetz Detox Face Mask- This is the star of the box, and star of the month. A detox face  mask that doesn't destroy your face and peel off that precious layer of skin, is unheard of...until now. This mask bubbles upon application, detoxes ones pores and leaves your skin feeling hydrated.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I'm incredibly allergic to the soy in this product. I'll die another day, thank you."
• "This face mask makes me feel like their are 100 little ants crawling all over my face."

Pipsnacks White Truffle Popcorn- Incredible, mini, truffle-oil infused popcorn. This is about as luxurious and pretentious as popcorn can get. I hope this company makes it to the stores, because it is amazing.

Reasons to Bitch

• "We were sent popcorn last month and now...we get it again. I get angry about things like this."
• "I thought this was a white-chocolate kind of truffle, but to my horror, it was mushroom truffle."

Revlon by marchesa box O’ Files- Nail files has never been my thing, but these are wonderful. I think they are small enough to quickly shape the nail and not take off too much. They fit in even the tiniest of all clutches. Great find.

Reasons to Bitch  

• "This is not a lux item and I'm heavily insulted that it was included in my box."
• "Drug store item alert! Let the freak-outs commence!"  

Overall, January was a great month, but don't let my positive outlook deter you from bitching.

Grade: A-

Birchbox: January 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Birchy-box, welcome home! Did your New Year's Resolution consist of sending out quality boxes? Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Fekkai: Brilliant Glossing Crème- Never have I ever used a better crème than Fekkai. The scent, texture and finish is better than that of any salon I have ever gone to. Fekkai is phenomenal.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This product has been on the market for several years now? Why are you just now discovering it?"
• "Um, yes. Target sells this and you expect me to believe that it's high-end?"

Inika: Mineral Eye Shadow in Eternal Marine- Mineral shadows take a bit of skill to master and usually has a lot of fallout. This product last for hours and stays in place far better than my experience with other mineral products. With the dazzling color and sheen, Inika in Eternal Marine will take the perfect nighttime look to the celebrity level.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Mineral shadows are too messy for me and I'm not very skilled in makeup application."
• "I don't love the color I received and I'll never venture away from my outdated look to wear this."

Juicy Couture: Couture La La- This scent smells very similar to something that I wore when I was younger and it doesn't really work with me now. The scent is light, sweet and...innocent? Overall, it's nice, but I feel like it was meant for a younger crowd.
 
Reasons to Bitch

• "I hate receiving perfume samples and all you ever send me is Juicy."
• "Just because it's over-priced, doesn't make it Couture."

Nail Rock: Velvet- This is by far the coolest product that I have received from Birchbox. Dark velvety nails is such a sexy idea. I wasn't impressed with staying power, but that's not really the selling point of this product.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I stupidly put a top coat over the velvet and now...it's just not fuzzy anymore."
• "Messy, messy, messy! I simple can't handle the mess!"

Burt's Bees: Intense Hydration Day Lotion- I am in love, in love with a lotion. The scent smells like summer and that's incredible. The texture, consistency and overall feel of the product was impressive. My hands actually felt hydrated after using the lotion. Well played, Burt.

Reasons to Bitch

• "How dare you include this 'mass market product' in my box?"
• "Burt's Bees? Are you serious? Only 'People of Wal-Mart' use Burt's Bees."

Overall, Birchbox killed any and all competitor this month and I hope that's just the beginning.

Grade: A+

Blush Mystery Beauty Box: January 2014

Sweet Photo Skills by Jzim

Blush Mystery Beauty box has arrived and it strangely seems as if it was curated by someone on crack... Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

LeEdge Skin Exfoliator- After a stressful day, I like to unwind by dragging a dull blade across my body to relax. Thankfully LeEdge has come to the rescue. Really, what is that? Scrapping off dead skin with a dull blade? Was this needed? Am I that scaly? I slid this down my arm without being in the shower and that was painful. I then gave it a try in the shower and that just felt like an extremely ineffective shave. Overall, my skin felt...violated.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This is on-sale on Amazon and for me, that devalues the entire content of the box."
• "LeEdge increases suicidal ideation and that's a big no-no."

Jane Iredale: Just Kissed Lip Plumber: Tokyo- Slightly tingly, pleasantly colored, strawberry scented lipstick, this would be a phenomenal find if it was full-sized. The color goes on much lighter than it looks and it doesn't dry out your lips.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This lipstick is rounded at the tip and it doesn't shape by lips like it should."
• "The sample was too small considering it was the ONLY makeup product in the box."

Osmosis Skincare Harmonized Water Digestive Health- I would like to believe in gimmicks like quick-fix products...but this one yields zero results, negative or positive. The 'trick,' if you will, is to add 2ml to a glass of water and drink twice daily. Then over time your skin will improve and so will your insides. After we decode the bullshit, it is easy to see that you just added extra glasses of water to your diet. Water improves skin and overall health...not a $30 bottle of "Harmonized Water."

Reasons to Bitch

• "This isn't something that should even be included in a beauty box. It's a dietary aide."
• "You can keep your voodoo away from me. There's only one water that can cleanse me."

Goldfaden Md: Wake Up Call- I am neither pleased, nor displeased with this product. It's a facial rejuvenator that I'm hesitant to try due to the harsh wintery conditions. There aren't many reviews on this product and with such sensitive skin, I'm not looking to experiment at this time.

Reasons to Bitch

• "What an expensive price-tag for a full size bottle. OMG, no thanks."
• "I already have an extensive skin-care routine and I'm not about to introduce a new product."

Klorane Leave-In Cream with Desert Date- The spicy scent reminds me of the cologne that my creepy study-hall teacher wore when he would stand over me and uncomfortably rub my shoulders. Other than awakening that re-pressed memory, Klorane Leave-In Cream leaves me feeling incredible. My hair is smooth, manageable and light. Trip to the guidance counselor, not needed. A+

Reasons to Bitch

• "Leave-In creams leave my hair greasy and my heart, sad."
• "I really want the hair mask that some others received. This is so my luck."

Gytone Hydrating Eye Cream- Scentless and slightly tingly this Hydrating Eye Cream has me hooked. Sleepless nights are quickly concealed with this hydrating formula.

[Edit 2/20/2014] I like this product very much, but I'm allergic to it. If I only put it under my eye, no reaction...near my brow bone, well...let's just not go there.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I accidently got this in my eyes and the burning pain was unbelievable."
• "I don't use eye-creams, because I'm a Botox type of gal."

Overall, there were some hidden gems in this box...but it certainly could have used some improvement.

Grade: E for Effort. Sometimes, creativity just isn't appreciated.

Influenster: Gillette Venus Embrace Sensitive

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.

For some miraculous reason I was selected to review the Gillette Venus Embrace Sensitive Razor and I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult, seeing as I hate shaving, and showers. Either way, I was prompted to shave for like the first time in months. My legs that is...I keep everything else locked down. ;) Onto the review:

First off, I'd like to thank Venus for making a razor in any other color than pink. I know I'm a girl and I'm forced to like pink everything, but I don't. I also enjoyed the smaller size of the shower hook, because the bathroom is a germ fest and simplicity is key.

Before shaving I rubbed shower gel on my legs, not shave cream, just whatever I had in the bathroom and then continued to shave. Considering I wanted to shave my legs, armpits and the goods, I expected to be in the shower for a decent half hour; which sucks. I always try to avoid shaving the 'trifecta' (legs, armpits, lady parts) and will often just focus on what I'm needing to show...at a specific time.

Within 5 minutes I was able to achieve an amazing shave with great results. My legs were conditioned and hydrated, thanks to the smoothing strips around the blades, and contrary to my usual routine, I wasn't sliced, diced and bleeding.

Overall, I am highly pleased with the Gillette Venus Embrace Sensitive razor. Retailing at 10.99 for the starter kit...I can't say that I will absolutely buy it, for the sole reason of the cartridges being so expensive but ultimately, it is cheaper than a wax...

Thanks Influenster for the overall best shave that I've had in years.

Grade: A

 @InfluensterVox  #ItsNotMe

Glossybox: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Glossybox, why! Why, why, why! Somebody out there loved their box, but it certainly wasn't me. The products for this month were quite anti-climatic and well, no girl enjoys that. Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Anatomicals: You Need A Blooming Shower!- Even if I enjoyed the horrendous scent of "panty-liner rose" I would still have an issue with the gaudy packaging and advertisement scheme. Nothing about this product worked for me. The scent, tacky colors and verbiage was an utter catastrophe. Who wants to take a shower and smell worse after it?

Reasons to Bitch

• "I don't much care for floral scents and that is putting it nicely."
• "Anatomicals is such a cheap line of skin care. How good can that be for me?"

Ardency Inn: PUNKER World's Baddest Eyeliner- The only gem in the box was the eyeliner, but I'm neither a 'punk,' nor 'badass,' so the marketing for this little liner is again, wasted. The liner is that of a black sharpie and works quite well. It lasts all day and well into those dark and dreary nights.  

Reasons to Bitch

• "I like to pretend that I'm good at applying makeup, but cannot seem to use a liner correctly."
• "I got this confused with my sharpie and now I'm all messed up." Permanently.

Michael Todd True Organics: Pumpkin Mask- Clearly printed on the bottle is a warning against use on sensitive skin. Well, that's cool. Unless, I wanted a super-fun rash that swells my eyes shut for days on end..I think I'll pass.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Michael Todd tried to kill me with this product."
• "I hate all forms of pumpkin...so yeah, I'll smear that on my face."

Nails Inc. Victoria Polish- As for an international nail polish, I am fairly pleased. Again, the visual of the bottle itself is lacking, but the polish and crimson color are decent. Overall, Nails Inc. offers a shiny, no-chip product.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I'm one of those fussy people that complain about products not made in the USA."
• "The rounded cap makes application quite difficult and my fine motor skills are weak."

Naobay: Oxygenating Cream Moisturizing- Lotion. Over-priced, Boring Lotion. If I'm going to pay for a lotion that costs over 20 dollars an ounce, I'd like to at least enjoy it. Out of all the competitors in the body care line, this one makes no sense.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This lotion promises so many benefits, but I can't afford it to find out."
• "Naobay is a natural and organic product...and I'm not one of those people."

Overall, this box was not curated for me. It's not that the products were 'bad,' they just were meant for someone else. Very sad ending for year 2k13.

Grade: D