Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Glossybox & Byrdie: October 2013 Review

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

The eagerly awaited Glossybox, collaborated with Byrdie arrived early this morning. In the wee hours of 10:30 am, I awoke to my mailman beating down my door. Awake and disoriented, I decided to find out, if in fact, the bird is the word.

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Balance Me Shine on Tinted Lip Salve: Super Soft Beige - As happy as I was to receive a lip product, I was slightly less than excited that it was a salve. When applied, there is literally no visible color and it smells like spearmint. The salve is ultra smoothing and moisturizing, so it does deliver...but it's not anywhere near the quality that I look for.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "The color doesn't last long at all, or even show up for that matter."
  • "It smells like spearmint, which reminds me of Freedent and that's a turn-off."

BVLGARI: Eau Parfumee Au The Vert De Cologne- Every woman should own at least one BVLGARI perfume. Not only is the bottle design sleek and classy, but the scent is so glamorous that even an ugly girl can feel pretty. This particular scent has a summery, feminine vibe that I can't get enough of.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "There isn't a spritzer on it and my man hands will get the perfume everywhere."
  • "I have no idea how to pronounce the name so how will I tell my lover what to get me?"

Fresh: Lotus Youth Preserve Face Cream- When Charlie Brown goes Trick-or-treating and everybody gets candy and Charlie gets a rock...well that is how I feel about Face Creams. "I got a rock." With that said, I actually like this face cream. It was smooth and served as a great foundation for the rest of my make-up. Retailing at $42 for a full-size version, I didn't expect it to disappoint.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "It kind of smells like an organic garden and that's too weird for me."
  • "I have way too many moisturizers and old people creams."
Sesha: Renu Exfoliating Gel- This product is so gross, that it is absolutely incredible. After you cleanse your face and your skin is completely dry, you rub this lubricant like gel on your face and watch it cling to your dead skin cells. The dead skin cells then roll up and peel off your face. I mean this is vile, horrible, awful and the absolute highlight of my day. An absolute must-have.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "I had to take several tums after using this product, because it upset my stomach from the gross-factor."
  • "It kind of looked like sperm, but didn't smell like it though."

Tarte: Lights, Camera, Flashes Statement Mascara- I had such high hopes for this "statement" mascara, because my little lashes are less than impressive. If applied correctly, this mascara does it all. It takes a bit of time, but the outcome is insane. The packaging is adorable and the product is scientifically proven. I can now see my lashes when I half close my eyes. A++

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "I already have long lushes lashes and I don't see the point in this."
  • "This didn't do anything for me, because I failed to read the instructions."
Overall, the bird, bird, bird really is the word.

A+ Glossybox, A+

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Ipsy: October 2013 Review

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim
After sending and posting relentless, irate letters to Ipsy, UPS and DHL, my bag FINALLY came. I mean,  I had to wait until mid-month, like Ipsy promised us from the very beginning. Oh, wait...I didn't do any of that, because I'm not a ball-sack. Onto the review:

Theme: The Art of Beauty

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Buxom Full-on Lip Polish: Dolly- Buxom is a prestige cosmetic line and well sought after for their remarkable products. I had high expectations for this gloss and after the pain of the lip-plumping misery went away, I liked it. The initial sting was quite awful and rather shocking. Several hours later, I could still feel the sting, BUT my lips were fuller. The color is a nice neutral, but this is a gloss with a vengeance.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "Ipsy clearly hates me, because I didn't get this gloss."
  • "For $10, I should have received the full-size, in addition to the 4 other products."
  • "This is more of a 'little girl pink,' and I'm a full-on twat-face. I would prefer a darker shade."
Nourish Organic Body Lotion: Coconut & Argan- The smooth, moisturizing texture doesn't disappoint, however...the slight scent of vanilla does. Wah. Some woman are all about the "Organic" qualities of beauty products which this lotion offers. I, however, enjoy littering and wrecking havoc on our planet, so it's wasted on me. Relax, that was a joke.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "The packaging looks like it's from the 80s and that isn't ok for my modern lifestyle."
  • "I think Organic products are over-rated."
  • "You can find this a Target, but I'd rather go to Walmart, so I can wear my pajama pants."
Ole Henriksen: Truth Serum Collagen Booster- Excellent skin care is the best foundation for your face full of makeup...including those awful anti-aging products. Ole Henriksen Truth Serum claims to reduce fine lines, brighten and protect from environmental aggressors. Slightly citrusy, fast-absorbing and non-greasy, Ole Henriksen just might do the trick for my frown lines.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "I frown way too much for this product to be of help."
  • "I really wanted this and feel outraged that I missed out on it."
  • "I signed up for make-up, not skin care."
Sexy Hair: Blow Dry Gel- The 'Sexy Hair,' line is an absolute favorite of mine. I have yet to use a product that gave less than stellar results. A little goes a long way for this product. You only need about a dime-size worth of gel to get a complete blow-out effect. Well done, Sexy Hair, well done.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "Um, this isn't the 90s...and I'm not going for a glamour shoot. Big hair need not apply."
  • "I have a really outdated hair style and I'd like to keep it that way."
  • "I already have voluptuous hair and I don't want to take additional time to style it."
Zoya Nail Polish: Mason- Fall 2013 nails are sure to look stunning with Zoya's new polish line. This polish is easy to apply due to the consistency of the product and is relatively long-lasting.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "I hate the color that I received so much, that I cannot even give this a fair rating."
  • "My 12 year old daughter wears blues, purples and greens. I'm too crotchety for that."
  • "Another nail polish? I didn't even finish that last bottle..."
Overall, my bag was great...thankfully so! If not, I was going to have to write additional hate mail and post it on every forum I know of. I was then going to teach my kids that, Bitching and harassing a company is the ONLY way to get results. Good thing I like my bag...but there's always next month.

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Rating: A

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Pop Sugar Must Have: October 2013 Review

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

The much anticipated Popsugar Must Have has arrived and the bitch-fest is at an all time high.

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards

The Can't Cook Book: Recipes for the Absolutely Terrified- It's quite refreshing to find a cookbook that doesn't offer up bizarre recipes with never-before-heard-of ingredients. The recipes give the illusion of a high-end meal, but really it's all a façade. Luckily, general idiots can apply this book to their lives and give the mac & cheese a break.

Reasons to Bitch:

  • "I already know how to cook, and well at that!" (That's great! What restaurant do you own?)
  • "I'd much prefer a boring novel that only I would like."
  • "I find it completely sexist that you'd send a cook book to a group of women."
NYX Cosmetics Liquid Liner: black- For a liquid liner, this one isn't all too amazing. In order to achieve the perfect line, this requires some skill and patience. The drying time is lengthy and the brush is a bit flimsy. If you don't know how to apply liquid liner, this one isn't going to help you learn.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "NYX, you sent me NYX!"
  • "This is from a big-box store and I am highly insulted."
  • "How many more black liners am I going to be sent?"
Smokey Shadow Palette- The classic smokey eye is timeless, gorgeous and an overall challenge for most women. These color are decently pigmented and on-trend for the fall.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "I don't wear eye shadow."
  • "This palette was only $7 and certainly not a must-have."
  • "I already have too much shadow and Popsugar should have consulted with me first!" 
Gorjana Charity Bali Bead Bracelet- This bracelet is teensy and cute. It would look great stacked with other bracelets for a bright, fun look. The downside is that it is extremely short in length and not very sturdy. Coincidently, my bracelet broke...but I just tied it up again...

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "I would NEVER pay $45 for this bracelet" (News flash: You didn't)
  • "I don't like the color pink and can't appreciate that it's for breast cancer awareness."
  • "More Gorjana and gold...have you not been reading our relentless hate mail?"
Julep Polish Coco and Polymer Duo- Julep polish is high-quality steadily gaining popularity within the beauty community. Coco is the perfect blunt red for the fall and the Polymer top coat is an added bonus.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "I just bought the Polymer and I will never again in my life need another top coat."
  • "I only get professional manicures and pedicures. Who actually paints their own nails?"
  • "I am so bad at painting my own nails!"
Jane Tran Bobby Pins- This is more of a hair "barrette" than a bobby pin. The shimmery-fall colors are great and are perfect for a refined up-do.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "Only children and dancers use bobby-pins."
  • "How are $12 bobby-pins considered a luxury item?"
  • "I never use bobby-pins and I am content with my outdated hairstyle. "
The Wet Brush- Upon receiving the Wet Brush, I checked out the reviews and embarrassingly enough, ended up watching videos on YouTube of girls brushing their hair. Along with thinking that my life was at an all-time low; I thought that these girls were insane. Who knew that brushing your hair was such a big issue? The Wet Brush is incredible, but I don't want to ruin your surprise OR prevent you from watching people brush their hair on YouTube.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "I don't like pink and still haven't figured out that it's for breast cancer awareness."
  • "I'm more of a comb kind of girl"
  • "I saw this at the local store and refuse to use this, because I'm a pretentious bitch."
The Crispery: Halloween Crispycake- I just ate this whole thing, basically by myself and I now feel like I am going to die of consumption. It was good, but I'm in such a state of misery from the over-indulgence that I'm getting nauseous from thinking about it. Overall rating for the cake...B. Not B+

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "I don't believe in, or celebrate Halloween, so thanks for sending me the devil's treat."
  • "Rice Crispy treats are for poor people"
    • I completely agree with this bitch-ling that has been circulating around online. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to the local store to buy rice crispy ingredients and thought, "all of these damn poor people have already bought up the ingredients, leaving nothing left for the rich people." So, I took things into my own hands and wrote the marshmallow and rice-crispy company asking them, NO...demanding them to raise their prices to prevent the "poor people," from making these delicious treats.
  • "I didn't share my rice crispy treat and now I have the worst upset stomach"
Stitch Fix $20 Gift Card (Special Extra)- I love a good gift card, but this "special extra" has started an official Popsugar war. I look forward to trying the service, but sadly it's sized-biased, preventing a lot of women service. If you're above a size 14, Stitch Fix tells you that you're out of luck and supposedly refuses you service. That's mean. Once I receive my first "fix," I'll blog it up.

Reasons to Bitch:
  • "Stitch Fix is a dick and refused me service." (Not Cool)
  • "I only shop in-store."
  • "This sounds a bit too pricey and not for the people that can only afford to make Rice Crispy treats."
Overall, this box was most likely curated for me. I appreciate the fun mix of beauty, style and food...a total gem. Next month, Popsugar raises their price by a near $5...and the bitchfest, well...we will just have the watch it all play out.

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Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Birchbox: October 2013 Review

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Birchbox is on fire this month with timely shipping, impressive product "samples," and over-the-top customer service, but don't worry...bitches are still bitching.

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards

Theme: Beauty Buzz

Benefit Cosmetics: Fake Up- I was pleasantly surprised to find a Benefit product in my box, because I never get sent them. I just figured Benefit was "anti-Jamie," and didn't want to play with me. "Fake-up" is a brilliant concept where it moisturizes, conceals and gives the appearance that you're ready to tackle the day. The packaging is adorable and it really works, a total must-have.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I don't fake anything Benefit, just orgasms, I fake those."
  • "The sample is just too small and I deserve a full-size product."
  • "I don't have dark circles and simply don't know any other woman that does."
Liz Earle: Cleanse & Polish Hot Cloth Cleanser- Such a huge sample, beautifully packaged. After reading the instructions I scrubbed up and immediately fell in love with this cleanser. The smooth texture of the polish leaves the skin feeling alive, awake and clean. Another A+

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I already have a cleanser that I use and would never dare to update my preferences."
  • "This product smells like medicine."
  • "I don't like how it requires a special cloth to use effectively."
Liz Earle: Pure Muslin Cloth- Part two of the Liz Earle Cleanse & Polish. In addition to the polish, this cloth seals the deal. My skin feels unbelievable and it's because of this slightly course cleansing cloth.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "You counted this as one of my samples, so I'm going to write mean letters on the BB Facebook page."
  • "I only use hypo-allergenic materials on my sensitive face."
  • "I have to wash this cloth? Thanks for the extra chore, Liz."
Pop Beauty Aqua Lacquer: Flowery Fuchsia- Pop Beauty hasn't been a favorite of mine, but they may have just redeemed themselves. This gloss is slightly minty with a versatile feminine color. The only downside is that the applicator...is a "paddle." Definitely not so easy for a quick application in a crowded-club scene.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I poked myself in the eye with the applicator paddle."
  • "This gloss makes me feel like a pre-teen and I'm a sassy-outspoken, blue-hair."
  • "Pop Beauty makes those awful Pouty Pop Crayons, and I can't forgive them for that."
ChapStick Moisturizer Hydration Lock: Vanilla Crème- If I was trapped on a desert island and could only take 3 things, ChapStick would be one of them. The scent is 'wah' to me, but it's more of a cake-vanilla, rather than warm-vanilla. Ultra-moisturizing and lip-smoothing, ChapStick, I'm in love.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "My bitch girl-friends and I didn't sign up to receive ChapStick."
  • "I never use ChapStick and I'm content with my alligator lips."
  • "I twisted up my ChapStick and now it won't go back down."
Overall, Birchbox is aiming high and setting their sights on regaining their subscription crown.

A+ Birchbox


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Blush Mystery Beauty Box: October 2013 Review

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim
Welcome home, Blush Mystery Beauty Box. I've been expecting you. 

Chella Skin Care Highlighter Pencil: Ivory LaceI previously had to prostitute myself out on the Ipsy Facebook page, begging to trade for this. Hilariously, a month later Blush sends them out to everyone. I'm not going to lie...I didn't mind the prostitution. We were all winners. This highlighter is genius. It works for everything, especially for those less than sexy dark circles. If you don't know what to do with this godsend, do yourself a favor and search for some "how-to" videos.

Butter London Nail Laquer Vernis: Kerfuffle- It was so nice to receive a quality nail polish in a respectable color. Don't get me wrong, I love the crazy, wildness of beauty, but for some reason my profile is always matched to "Dramatic hooker, seeking attention," and I get all the "bolds and patterned." Finding a light pink polish that actually covers the nail isn't an easy task. This polish has fortunately ended my relentless search to do so. Win.

Karin Herzog Vita-A-Kombi- "A nutritious daily moisturizer with a slew of anti-aging benefits." Slew? Not multitude, plethora or exuberant...?" Again, it's no secret that I don't love moisturizers. I'll probably pop a Benadryl and smear this slewage on later.

Mirabella Mineral Highlighting Power: Glowing Coral- Who doesn't own a $38 highlighting powder? Not me, I'm part of the cool crowd. Mirabella, excluding the generic looking logo and lame color scheme, is quickly becoming a cosmetic favorite of mine. The design team seems to be dated...or perpetually stoned, but I digress. This product offers the perfect amount of shimmer and shine. It quickly amps up your look and is your official invite to the "cool kids table at lunch."

Myface Cosemetics Lip Pop Gloss: Sweetest Thing- If I was an objectum-sexual...I'd marry lip-gloss. The website divides the cosmetics into "fair, medium and dark," shade complexions. If you have NO idea what colors look good on you and feel that a $15 lip gloss is perfect for you, then I guess this is a cool concept. Maybe 1 person in the world found this helpful. The gloss is scentless and the brush itself isn't of high quality. As for color, quite nice and easily transitions from day to play.

[Edit: 1/23/2014] I have used this gloss nearly everyday. I can't get enough of it. After months, of repetitive use, I have to admit that I'm in love. My heart is breaking that I'm almost out.

Theraples Ft Exfoliating Emollient- "Penetrating moisture...now with peppermint" reads the tube. Weird. Was I just sent oral-sex gel? This isn't a lotion by any means (or sex-gel); it's a slightly greasy, mint-scented, foot lubricant, referred to as an "emollient." This works in a strange kind of way, but it has a distinctive retirement home smell. This can't even really be given as a gift...ex, "Here's this odd smelling foot lube that you've never heard of! Merry Christmas!" See, it just doesn't work.

Talika Lipocils Expert- My lashes are so short that I'll take any help that I can get. I'm stuck in a persistent conundrum, short natural lashes or drag-queen looking falsies. I'll pray to the lash-goddess for additional help. This product can't be reviewed with one application. Patience is a virtue, bitch.

Miracle Skin Transformer Face SPF 20: Medium- Considering the "slew" of purposes that the product offers, as long as an allergic reaction doesn't occur, I'll call it a win. The shade is decent and seemingly works well as a primer. Big thrills..nooo.

In conclusion to my charm and wit, for me, this box is better than last months. Half of the box was out-of-this-world stellar and the lesser items were just, "eh."

Overall: B+


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Glossybox: September 2013 Review

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim
Glossy-boxy arrived in all of it's fall-y goodness. Fall, the season where everybody posts that moronic meme of "crisp air, fall leaves and hoodies" on Facebook.

 Theme: All You Need for Fall

According to the Glossybox thread, this box has been receiving high marks and setting high standards for the upcoming months. This will undoubtedly become Glossybox's "Box to Beat." Unlike most beauty boxes, this month had a very well thought out, cohesive theme. Onto the review:

BCBGMAXAZRIA: Bon Genre Eau De ParfumThis perfume pen has a masculine scent to it. BCBGMAXARIA refers to it as "seductive, mysterious and intriguing" and that's about as accurate as could be. It's the perfect scent for Fall. Unfortunately, I haven't got a clue on how to pronounce the name. When other gals ask me what scent I'm wearing, I'll embody a French lady and say, "It's a secret."

Be a Bombshell: Eyeliner Pen in Onyx- Be a Bombshell cosmetics rarely disappoint. This eyeliner is long-lasting and impressive. Besides the lackluster packaging, it's a must-have.

Emite Makeup- Eyelash Curler- The Emite Eyelash Curler has a sleek and elegant design. The rubber is high quality and deep compressing. Retailing around 31 dollars, this curler has completely knocked out it's competitors.

Nioxin- Diamax Treatment- "I don't need thicker hair," is the main bitching for this product, but let's for one second assume that you're not a total ignoramus and actually look at this product. Not only does this product thicken your hair (if applied to the roots) it also strengthens and protects hair against breakage. Split ends and damaged hair can make even the richest woman look poor. Fix up your hair...and then maybe your face.

Oceane- Makeup Remover Pen- Brilliant, brilliant and brilliant. This pen comes with 3 additional replacement tips to maximize the use of this product. Sadly, this is an international product and next to impossible to find. Wah.

Glossybox describes this box as the perfect way to "update your look," but really, it's the "What every girl should put in her Walk of Shame Bag box." Your confidence my be shaken after waking up at a strangers house, but after a swipe of liner, curl of the eyelashes and spritz of perfume, you'll be back on-top in no time. Sex Joke.

Overall- A+ Glossybox, A+

Fabletics Review

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim
Fabletics is a recently launched workout clothing line from JustFab. I was so psyched about this newly launched company, because I'm ALL about the gym. I mean workout fanatic. Total lie; I was actually excited to get some new clothes to go grocery shopping in. I'll workout once the Biggest Loser accepts me as a future contestant.

I ordered the "Forgive" outfit, which included the "Nadi Legging" and the "Versital Tee." I chose the cheery colors of black and gray to match my positive disposition on life. I had a promo and did not pay the retail price. These outfits are a bit pricy. If your well off, never mind that last statement. Onto the review:

Versital Tee- I am so not the type of girl to wear a tee-shirt, let alone a short sleeve, v-neck. It's just not my style...until I met the Versital Tee. The fabric alone was incredible. Generously sized, so you can order a size down and the comfort is out of this world.

Nadi Legging- What girl hasn't been on the search for the perfect legging? When looking for a legging to begin with, you have to assess all possible angles and traits of the legging itself and your body. What fun! You get to determine if your ass does in fact look that bad or if you look like you have more cellulite than a hippo. Some girls don't own mirrors and wear leggings without hesitation. I, well I own a mirror and have shame. Plenty of shame. These leggings are the top of the line. The material, design, comfort, stretch and overall quality is phenomenal. I need these in every possible color.

Overall: After receiving this outfit, I ran upstairs to shower before slipping into such greatness. I wore the outfit for 2 days straight and then threw it in the wash so I could wear it again the next day. Not only did I look stunning, well let's be honest, that's not hard to achieve but I was comfortable. With this outfit, I felt like I could work out, but alas...I totally did not. I did, however, catch up on "Breaking Bad."

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