Friday, December 13, 2013

Birchbox: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim
Hello! Birch-y-Box-y. It's that time of year again, where unrealistically high hopes come crashing down around us; commonly known as gift-giving season! Did you get what you wanted? Probably not. Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Dr. Lipp: Original Nipple Balm for Lips- I have waited foreverrr for this product (I really have) and after a quick 12 months, I finally got it. Now, the name is a little off-putting, but it's no secret, this product really works.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "OMG, a beauty sub sending out nipple balms! I didn't sign up for a sex box!"
  • "I didn't know this was for my lips...and now I don't have any left to try it out..."

FushionBeauty LashFushion XL: Black Mascara- Another Mascara and a sad one at that. The brush is oversized and the product is too thick to coat the lashes properly. Lame.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "Enough with the black mascaras! At this point, I'll take any other color, but black."
  • "I'm not sure if the mascara was dried out or just poorly made. Either way, lameeee."

Grand Central Beauty: S.M.A.R.T Skin Perfecting Polisher- Made with natural botanicals and formulated for sensitive skin...that's perfect! The gross factor is still high, because it attaches to dead skins cells and beads up onto your face. But whatever. Anything to stay ahead of the game.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "This doesn't sound like it's for sensitive skin. I'm canceling. Effective immediately."
  • "I don't like facial peels! Why can't you cater to my personal needs better?"

Toni & Guy: Casual Sea Salt Texturising Spray- Beach hair! I never have it, because the sun scares me, but now I can join the cool crowd. The scent is wonderful and the effect is lasting. An overall impressive product.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "Errr, I live by the beach...did you not read that in my profile?!"
  • "I already have wavy-soccer-mom-hair, so what's the point of this?"

Twistband: Hair Tie- I cannot get enough of the Twistband. The Twistband is completely revolutionary for hairstyling. It doesn't pull, stretch or snap. Finally, hair ties have been perfected.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I didn't like the original Twistband Headband...and then you send me this."
  • "I could make this! I mean, I won't...but I want to belligerently put that out there that I could."
Overall, I was pleased. None of my products were missing and that alone, is huge. Birchbox continues to be a fun surprise and the customer service is always top-notch. Birchbox, I'll be seeing you in 2014.

Grade: B

Ipsy: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim
With Christmas parties on the horizon, this month was all about celebrating and looking good while downing the eggnog. With such excitement on the way, what could go wrong...? Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

POP Beauty Bright Up Your Life Eye Shadow Trio- Naturally Bare: I was pleasantly surprised with this shadow, considering how the Pop Beauty crayon was an ultra bust. The colors are full of shimmer and they easily layer upon each other. You can create a natural eye or sultry dimensions...depending on your skill, of course. Well done POP Beauty.

Reason to Bitch
  • "This was made in China and I simply refuse to use it."
  • "Woah...there is just way too much glitter in these shadows for my style. No thanks."

Be a Bombshell The One Stick: Sunset- Be a Bombshell is an excellent brand that continues to impress. Multi-tasking beauty products are becoming increasingly popular and "The One Stick" doesn't disappoint. The color, texture and overall feel of the product is fantastic. This product has officially been added to my work bag. A+

Reasons to Bitch
  • "The color is so horrendous on me that I am telling all of my friends to cancel."
  • "Enough with the 'Be a Bombshell' cosmetics. They are just too awesome and I want to ruin everyone else's fun.

Ardell Natural Lash: I want to love lashes, I really do...but I feel like a drag queen in them. Not to be confused with the gorgeous RuPaul. I like the natural look of these and how the glue was included.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "One of the fake lashes got underneath my contact and now I'm blind."
  • "I accidently glued my eyes shut while trying to apply these. Shame."

J.Cat Beauty Big Lip Pencil: Caramel Mocha- Creamy, pigmented and overall impressive lip product. This pencil is travel-worthy and great for any last minute parties.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "How many times do I have to tell you that I HATE red lipsticks!"
  • "J.Cat isn't very well know and therefore, not for me."

Starrily Nail Polish: Bzz Bzz- Nothing screams Christmas like a black and yellow sparkle polish. No? I'm wrong? I put this on my nails and attempted to like it, but it's just not my style. Wah.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "U.G.L.Y you don't got no alibi, you're ugly. Yeah, yeah, you're ugly."
  • "Sparkly polish doesn't apply very well for me!"

Overall, this month didn't astound me, but I am still very happy. Honorable mention to this months bag, itself; as it was phenomenal. Happy holidays an keep on bitching.

Grade: B

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Pop Sugar Must Have: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

It's Christmas time and people are full of love, cheer and the holiday spirit...Oh wait...wrong blog. People are full of hate, stupidity and greed...People are on a rampage this month, attacking Pop Sugar for this box. Why? Well, why not? Onto the review:

[Edit 12/13/13]: The above statement of "People are full of hate, stupidity and greed" doesn't solely apply to you, the reader. It is a joke, perhaps not that funny to some, but a joke nonetheless. I assure you that you are smart, lovely and everything else under the rainbow. Love, Jamie.

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Lulu Frost for Pop Sugar Bracelet: This is such a gorgeous, vintage, modern bracelet. The colors are so complimentary to each other and it's exceptionally versatile. I can't imagine an outfit that this wouldn't go great with. The only downside is that it says "Lulufrost for Pop Sugar" on the opposite side of the bauble. Womp. Overall, adorable bracelet.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "Er, $110 for this bracelet...I would never pay that."
  • "It doesn't fit me and I could and would neverrrr buy a bracelet extender."

Modelco Fibre Lashxtend Black Mascara: Another black mascara...innovative? Exciting? No, but a must-have...yes. Perhaps not at this moment, but I wouldn't be who I am without mascara. I don't even look the same without mascara. I think the mirror on the tube is fun, but I'm not blown away.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I am drowning in mascara, and I don't realize that I should actually replace my mascara every 6 months to avoid eye infections"
  • "I got this from another sub already and I HATED it."

MIXT Studio Holiday Gifting Set: Love this. This is great; especially if you plan on giving someone a half-assed, not so awesome gift. Presentation is half the battle. It's like you're giving someone hope...'Maybe this year she got me something great!', I did not. I very much enjoy the stylish, hipster feel of this paper. Well played, MIXT.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I gifted a box with wrapping paper in it?" Omg, I'm so embarrassed."
  • "Who considers wrapping paper a must-have? Plus, I don't celebrate Christmas."

Govino Go Anywhere Flutes: How many times have I gone to a picnic and thought, "Yeah, I'd like some wine with this deli hoagie...but I can't drink it out of the bottle, anymore. Never. Govino's marketing strategy of "go anywhere and drink" doesn't really need any help...especially with plastic champagne flutes. This will make the perfect gift...and I already know how I'm wrapping it.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "These 'glasses' aren't big enough for the amount of wine I drink."
  • "Govino states that these look like crystal, but umm...have they ever seen crystal?  

CC Made Caramel Corn: Incredible. Every year I have to buy one of those embarrassingly large popcorn tins, so this was perfect, albeit a little small. This caramel corn, surely didn't disappoint.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I wear adult braces and my orthodontist is going to be M.A.D.
  • "It's party season and I'm already going to be indulging in enough sweets.

NCLA Peppermint Lane Nail Wraps: How fun! I mean, these won't match anything, unless you're wearing an ugly Christmas sweater, but I do like these. Nail wraps are a genius idea and they last forever. I'll probably wear these in the spring time...because that is just how I roll.

[Edit: 12/30/13] Oh no, no, no...these are an awful, horrible, pathetic attempt at a nail wrap. The 'wrap' is too thick and if you have short nails, it's a fail. You simply cannot fold it over and file the wrap to size. Considering my NYE party tomorrow...these wraps are a bust.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "These are for a pre-teen and I would never even considering putting these on my toes."
  • "Who does their own nails? That's barbaric...I go to the salon."

Ghirardelli Squares Chocolate: I have an unhealthy love with all things candy. The peppermint bark is my all-time favorite and I couldn't be happier with this product. It may not be "high-end" chocolate, like many snactches on message boards are whining about...but I bet you already finished the bag...both bags.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "Ghirardelli is poor people chocolate and I'd never let this melt in my mouth."
  • "Two bags of delicious candy? Who could ever eat that much?" Ever? Really? How so?"

Overall, I was in love with this box. It had my name written all over it. But, according to the message boards...I must like cheap trash, that I can get at CVS. Lastly, whoever said "Girls love chocolate"...never met these girls.

Rating: A-

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Blush Mystery Beauty Box: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim
After last's months box of "things to not-be-thankful-for ," anything was welcomed for the month of December. Everyone has unrealistically high hopes for every month, but December is usually the "make it or break it month" for subs. Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

NYX Love In Paris Palette: I have never been impressed with any other NYX product, except for their eye shadow. The formula is exquisite and the colors are highly pigmented. I use these shadows mostly for work, because they last all day and the colors are professional. I am very pleased with this versatile and sexy palette.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "FML, another NYX product. I'm too pretentious to realize exactly how great this shadow is."
  • "Shadow doesn't last all day on my eyes; because I've never heard of shadow primer and then blame the makeup companies for not delivering."

Nailtiques Avocado Foot Cream: Another foot cream, because I ran out of the last two large tubes of cream that I was sent. Psych, I still have plenty. Even though I wasn't in need, I'm very happy with the effectiveness of the product. The scent is lackluster, but the cream is ultra-hydrating. A total win.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "This is the third foot cream in four months...and that's just not enough for me."
  • "Most nail spas have mint-infused foot cream and apparently Nailtiques didn't know of this."

Sultra Clip in Hair Color- Ultra Pink: The total star of the box for me was this strikingly-colored, human-hair extension. I wish I had this in every color, as this product was made for me. I enjoy how easy it is to clip-in, style and reuse. A+

Reasons to Bitch
  • "Made out of real human-hair? Color me offended."
  • "I live a boring, sad life. I will never have any functions that require a wild streak from me."

NEOVA Make Up Remover Face and Eyes: Scentless, non-greasy makeup remover that doesn't burn your eyes, how amazing? Make Up Remover is a staple for any beauty guru, especially if you can't nail that smolder-y cat-eye that everyone else seemingly can do.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "This isn't make-up and I'm one of those people that complain about this...every month."
  • "I still haven't even finished my first bottle, so why do I need this?"

Murad Active Radiance Serum: Murad is such a great skin-care line. I have yet to be disappointed with them. I mean, Murad keeps me beautiful. That should be their tagline, but they forgot to consult with me when launching their company.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I only use suck on that Murad."
  •  "This did not make me look "radiant" as suggested. Nasty letters to follow."

REN Hydra-Calm Global Protection Day Cream: I don't love moisturizers, but this winter is destroying my skin. I was happy to receive this and found it to be hydrating, calming and effective.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I wanted to use this as a night cream, but I'm rule follower."
  • "I have offensively oily skin, so thanks for nothing Blush Box."

Eminence Stone Crop Body Lotion: Such a small sample jar makes me a sad panda. This lotion smells and feels incredible, so yes...the tiniest of all jars will do just fine. Wah.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I'm a little bit bigger than a toddler and there isn't even enough lotion for one whole body application."
  • "This lotion has a greenish tint to it and that makes me think that it's old or possible molded."
NEOSTRATA Skin Active Exfoliating Wash: This wash is neither good nor bad. It's fine, but with all of the well known exfoliating washes already, switching up is not going to happen anytime soon.

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I'm a plain-Jane kind of gal and these fancy washes can take a hike."
  • "Exfoliating washes burn my skin and I'm pretty sure that's not what it's supposed to do."

Lisa Hoffman Beauty Japanese Madagascar Orchid Moisturizing Body Cleanse: The product of the box scores a mere 4 out of 10. The scent is outstanding...for an old lady. The consistency is perfect...for a soup. The cleansing effect isn't much better than a scummer bath, anddddd the packaging was gorgeous, said the blind person. Too much?

Reasons to Bitch
  • "I'm allergic to perfumed bath products, so this was a waste."
  • "I wanted the alternative scent, but now I smell like an old gal."
Overall, this box was so much better than November's epic fail. I'm a bit miffed that their wasn't even a hint of a holiday theme, but I digress.

Rating: B+

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Reasons to Bitch: Mother-style.

My sharp-tongue and wit, although refined, all started with watching my mom cunningly interact with the other fools that she reluctantly came into contact with. It is with many years, and a careful ear that I have been able to brush up on and eventually exceed my mother's sarcastic charm. Perhaps, it's her age, or my own interaction's with leech-sucking cum-bags, that create such a brilliant writing technique.

Being such a wonderful and loving daughter, I gave my mom some of the well-received, yet numerous creams that I did not want. I was desperately hoping to bring her into the world which I so very much love. Several days later, I received an email and with that; I bring you her "Reasons to Bitch."

"If I were you blogging, but at my age instead, here is what I would have to say." -Mom.

[Supergoop! Advanced Anti-Aging Eye Cream: Soft old lady scent de jure. Supergoop Eye Cream, goes on greasy...and stays greasy.
  • Bitch points: I received a pimple on my eyebrow bigger than my eyeball! I still have some of it left and I don't really want to go back to puberty. Perhaps, I'll just keep the wrinkles.
Juice Beauty: Stem Cellular Repair Moisturizer- Nice big jar, smells of fresh citrus, should be wonderful! I was excited to try this one! Smooth and creamy, nice off-white color and looks of luxury. 
  • Bitch points: Cry, cry, cry.....HIVES! Just around my eyes and of course my neck....Luckily, it only lasted until noon the next day...Yay.
Elta MD Skin Care: PM THERAPY, nighttime facial moisturizer- It's such a tiny packet, what else could it do other than what is states. That night I ripped open the tiny packet and took notice of the scent. "Does this smell like fresh picked mushrooms? "Why yes, yes it does." I thought this should truly be something wonderfully, organic and earthly good for my tired old skin. For such a small packet, I used the entire thing on my face...
  • Bitch points:  At first it sort of burnt...yet I know my regular lower class, less-expensive facial cream starts out like this, too. I must wait it out. I go watch the television and it's still burning ...and the scent of mushrooms still haunts me. Oh no, my right eye is starting to tear. Why? Perhaps because I am laying down. I should sit up...then my left eyes starts to leak. OH NO, my right eye is SWELLING UP. Then it erupted all at once. My entire right eye swelled shut and I went to the bathroom to scrub my face. Good news: only my right eye swelled shut for about 2 hours and my left eye only half-way swelled up.  I'm okay. I'm okay.]
Overall, I thought I was introducing my mom into the wonderful world of luxury skin care and beauty. I, inadvertently tried to kill her, instead.
This has been your bonus issue of: "How to kill your mother."