Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Reasons to Bitch: Mother-style.

My sharp-tongue and wit, although refined, all started with watching my mom cunningly interact with the other fools that she reluctantly came into contact with. It is with many years, and a careful ear that I have been able to brush up on and eventually exceed my mother's sarcastic charm. Perhaps, it's her age, or my own interaction's with leech-sucking cum-bags, that create such a brilliant writing technique.

Being such a wonderful and loving daughter, I gave my mom some of the well-received, yet numerous creams that I did not want. I was desperately hoping to bring her into the world which I so very much love. Several days later, I received an email and with that; I bring you her "Reasons to Bitch."

"If I were you blogging, but at my age instead, here is what I would have to say." -Mom.

[Supergoop! Advanced Anti-Aging Eye Cream: Soft old lady scent de jure. Supergoop Eye Cream, goes on greasy...and stays greasy.
  • Bitch points: I received a pimple on my eyebrow bigger than my eyeball! I still have some of it left and I don't really want to go back to puberty. Perhaps, I'll just keep the wrinkles.
Juice Beauty: Stem Cellular Repair Moisturizer- Nice big jar, smells of fresh citrus, should be wonderful! I was excited to try this one! Smooth and creamy, nice off-white color and looks of luxury. 
  • Bitch points: Cry, cry, cry.....HIVES! Just around my eyes and of course my neck....Luckily, it only lasted until noon the next day...Yay.
Elta MD Skin Care: PM THERAPY, nighttime facial moisturizer- It's such a tiny packet, what else could it do other than what is states. That night I ripped open the tiny packet and took notice of the scent. "Does this smell like fresh picked mushrooms? "Why yes, yes it does." I thought this should truly be something wonderfully, organic and earthly good for my tired old skin. For such a small packet, I used the entire thing on my face...
  • Bitch points:  At first it sort of burnt...yet I know my regular lower class, less-expensive facial cream starts out like this, too. I must wait it out. I go watch the television and it's still burning ...and the scent of mushrooms still haunts me. Oh no, my right eye is starting to tear. Why? Perhaps because I am laying down. I should sit up...then my left eyes starts to leak. OH NO, my right eye is SWELLING UP. Then it erupted all at once. My entire right eye swelled shut and I went to the bathroom to scrub my face. Good news: only my right eye swelled shut for about 2 hours and my left eye only half-way swelled up.  I'm okay. I'm okay.]
Overall, I thought I was introducing my mom into the wonderful world of luxury skin care and beauty. I, inadvertently tried to kill her, instead.
This has been your bonus issue of: "How to kill your mother."