Popsugar Must Have: April 2015

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

April Inspiration: Spring, Simplicity, Markets, Outdoors

Produce Candles: Rhubarb Spring: For as good as this candle smelled unlit, one would think that it'd be even better lit. It didn't, in case you were unsure of where I was going with this. It lasts awhile, considering I have been burning it all day and I'm only a third of the down. I like it. It's a candle. Yay, candle?

Reasons to Bitch:

• "My mom doesn't let me play with matches...so I guess I'll use it as a paper weight."
• "Oh, am I the only one with electricity? Yeah, I don't need a candle." 

One Love Organics Gardenia + Tea Antioxidant Body Serum: Love this. Gardenia is always overly-powerful, but infused with tea, it's amazing. This "serum" leaves freshly shaved skin, soft and dewy...not Kim Kardashian, naked in an expensive dress dewy, but...more of a refreshingly, hydrated way.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "Gardenia reminds me of old people. Gross."
• "I'm a hard-care naturalist...so I don't shave my legs...or mustache."

Dabney Lee Umbrella: Yay, umbrella! I don't understand why someone would go outside if it's raining, but say they do...because they need, well I'll never need anything enough to go out in the rain, but they urgently need...something, then this is the perfect umbrella! The umbrella is navy blue with white polka dots and a pink handle, so we know that it's for a girl. Yay, again. I like when things are pink, so I know it's for me.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "I live in a desert and it never rains here. Thanks for sending something SO regionally specific."
• "I accidentally opened this up inside and now I have bad luck...FML."

Garden in a Bag: Organic Basal: I can hardly keep a cactus alive, so this will be a challenge. I also do not know what Basal is used for. This whole Garden is a Bag is more of an epic project, but I'll try it. I just never wanted to be so self-sufficient where I can grow and eat my own food.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "The only thing I know how to grow is weed."
• "If this counts as the 'food item' in the box...I'm heavily disappointed." 

Flip + Tumble Reusable Bag: I never understood those environmentally-conscious people who bring their own bags places. I have to even them out by throwing garbage out of my car window. #joke. I love this bag...I know I'll never have it at the right time, but there is something so comforting knowing that I have a bag out there...somewhere...waiting to be filled.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "It's so wrinkly when unfolded and that makes me feel uneasy."
• "I can't find it, because it's just too compact."

Overall, this box is the very opposite of myself, however, it is all very practical. I like it, I'll use it and I'm satisfied. 

Grade: B+ ....because it didn't come with Granola.

Glossy Box: April 2015

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Marrakesh: Endz: Split End Mender & Preventer- It's easy to tell when a women does not use a leave-in conditioner. Today, I silently pointed out a women who could have used such a product. Frizzy, unruly, and certainly no-product, stood a woman at the jewelry counter at Walmart. Yes, buy your jewelry there...you're going places. This product smooths, conditions and tames...but I'd never buy it, because of the name...Mender & Preventer.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "The full-size is only 1 oz, with my Rapunzel-like locks, that's hardly one application."
• "I am a shampoo and conditioner-in-one kind of gal. This step and product is unnecessary." 

Aerin: Waterlily Sun: A deluxe sized perfume spritzer, with the most pleasant of all smells. The info card describes it as a fragrance "meant to capture the feeling of sunlight reflecting on water...." and since I purposefully make it a point to avoid all sunlight, I can't say that I disagree. This is easily a new favorite scent and if I had the $110, I'd splurge on the 1.7 oz of water-reflected sunlight in a bottle.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "Ever hear of allergies, Glossybox! What beauty sub would everrrr send a perfume sample their subscribers?"
• "I thought we were all getting full-sizes? Hook and Bait. Hook and Bait."

Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics: Stained Gloss: Rhythm Box- Featured in less than user-friendly packaging is a rather good product. This gloss oddly enough does not come with a lip brush, forcing the user to stain their fingers when applying the product. The color is glossy enough, yet intimidating for a low-maintenance kind of gal. Luckily, I'm high maintenance. (This product was also sent out to other subscribers in what is affectionately being referred to as "traffic cone orange...I would have liked that. Sad Face.)

Reasons to Bitch: 

• "Touch-ups at the local bump-n-grind are virtually impossible with this horrible squeeze-tip applicator."
• "No, no, no. I'm a professional woman and not a prosti-tot. I won't be using this."

Estee Lauder: Enlighten Dark Spot Correcting Night Serum: I'm not sure what a "dark-spot is or if I even have them...I do love Estee Lauder, so I'll add it to my already extensive skin-care routine. I don't expect miracles from it...because I don't actually know what I am trying to correct. I am thrilled to see Estee being featured and look for more to come in future boxes.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "Department store make-up counters are a mere step-up above drug stores. Don't try to play me like that."
• "I have so many 'samples' of this product from all the free GWP that I've received from Estee. Fail."

Julep: Gel Eye Glider: Navy: Incredibly long-lasting with an ultra-smooth application, this Gel Liner will be a staple in my vanity. Navy is universally flattering for all eye-colors and easily transitions from daytime to nighttime.

Reasons to Bitch

• "If I wanted Julep products, I'd subscribe to Julep. Please don't pass off other sub products for a broader range of advertising. 
• "I don't wear eye-liner, because I wear glasses." Guys don't make passes at girls' who wear glasses, EVER."

Thursday Friday Makeup Bag: I like the idea of this...but this is just so bad. It's so completely awful, but I like the brand. It's like the company said "What's the ugliest bag that we have...Oh, easy, this studded-lip bag. We've sold exactly zero of them...Hand them out and hopefully somebody will like it. I appreciate the bag, I really do...but why that design? How.

Overall, this month was an absolute hit. Glossybox continues to smash their competition with their thoughtfully packaged boxes and now...their stunning and highly sought after box designs.

Grade: A 

Ipsy: April 2015

                            

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch."Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Theme: Beautifully Bohemian

JulieG Nail Color: Damsel: I don't enjoy getting nail-polish in sub-boxes, especially, when I could have gotten an Elizabeth Arden Lipstick, but after applying one-coat of this Barbie-pink, I'm glad I did. The formula is streak-free, beautifully colored and semi-chip resistant. I hate the name, it just screams...cheap, but I love the polish.

Reasons to Bitch:

• Cue the drugstore product complaints. It isn't fun without them.
• Q. Who actually paints their own nails? A. Poor people...with no style." 

Pandora's Makeup Box: Pink Carnation Blush: I love this blush more than my current blushes (excluding my Tarte Amazonian Clay Blush). It is a darkened pink color that almost gives the look of a sex-flushed, china-doll. It does not really blend well, and wears best without a bronzer. The sample comes adorably packaged in a magnetic tin that fits perfectly into a Z-palette.

Reasons to Bitch:

• Where the eff is the container for this thing?
• "I already own a blush." (Hey, want to go out for drinks tonight? No thanks, I already have a friend...)

theBalm Cosmetics: Nude Dude Eyeshadow Single: Flirty: Shimmering golden-violet shadow in an incredible package, there's nothing that I don't love about this. The shadow is well-pigmented and easily blended into the lid crease for a quick and professional daytime look. It's the perfect color to smoke-out around the lashes, popping with any eye-color.

Reasons to Bitch:

• I'm heavily offended by theBalm's repulsive and suggestive marketing to women, with their sexy man pictures gracing the cover of my eye-shadow single. 
• Great. Another "skin-tone" color. Where's the variety? Where's the fun? 

Mica Beauty: Eye Primer: Matte, waterproof and quick-drying, this primer is out for business. It doesn't take more than 15 seconds to dry and it creates a strong foundation for lasting eye shadow. For now, I like it better than my trusted Urban Decay primer, because of how fast it dries. 

Reasons to Bitch:

• There was a speck of mold in my primer. Thanks for that. (We all received the email and it isn't mold...it's an air bubble. Relax...unless air bubbles actually do scare you.) 
• The formula was just too thick for my delicate, little eyelids. I could barely open them after applying this paste. 

Mullein and Sparrow: Mini Lip and Cheek Tint: According to the Ipsy website this product is “an all-natural, sheer, tinted balm that gives your lips and cheeks a slight flush and dewy finish; it brightens the whole face with a sheer rosy flush for the cheeks, gloss the lips, and has a sweet orange scent!” Uh...what? This write-up is definitely not for this product. The color in the tin is a dark berry and when applied it is almost clear. Overall, it’s greasy, gritty on the lips and...the complete opposite of it’s description. 

Reasons to Bitch:

• This smells "too earthy," so clearly it is poison. I'll be complaining to IpsyCare in hopes to get a free product.
•  There is absolutely no color when this product is applied. This is clearly a glorified tin of Vaseline. 

April 2015 Bag Edition: Absolutely amazing. There was about an 8-month span where all of the bags seemed to be a cheap version of the last. No excitement, just another throw away...but then this straw, boho-chic gem comes along...it's fantastic. I would have paid 10.00 for this bag alone. 

I have been close to canceling this sub for months, because it seemed like the quality and excitement...disappeared. Hopefully, this month wasn't a fluke.

Click to Sign Up and Bitch!

Grade: A

Glossybox: February 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Theme: The Month of Love (Unless you're single...then it's just February.)

Calm down...this is why you're single.

Anatomicals: Puffy The Eye Bag Slayer Wake Up Under Eye Patches: Dear God do I hate puns and the in your face attempt at trying to be funny that Anatomicals plasters all over their products. I haven't enjoyed a single product from Anatomicals...until these eye patches. Being a lady of the night, mornings are the devil and I don't exactly want others to know that I was "raging" the night before. With 30 minutes of relaxation from these lengthy-named eye patches, I almost look...human again.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "These eye patches gave me a rash and now nobody wants to be my friend."
• "I really want to buy these, but they are next to impossible to find!"

Lauren B. Beauty: Nail Couture in City of Angels- Pink, pastel polish is a fail for my ghost-like complexion. The polish is very thin and it takes 3 coats for a decent application. After the polish dries, the overall look is streaked and patchy. Lauren B. is also a pain to wipe off once it comes into contact with your skin.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "14 day no-chip guarantee? Yeah, I'll believe that once my Unicorn gives birth."
• "The brush was too long and flimsy; paired with a disappointing formula, we all lose."

Pureology Serious Colour Care: Colour Fanatic- With such a beautiful scent, I'd use this spray even if I didn't dye my hair. Overall, my hair feels softer and manageable.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "I don't dye my hair...so this is a flop!"
• "My stylist has graciously hooked me up with an exceptionally high-end and over-priced hair care line. I'll pass Pureology, I'll pass.

Skin&Co Roma: Truffle Therapy Serum Plus- Anything that smells like coconut and sunscreen can be my friend. I can't say that I see any dramatic improvements with my skin, but I do smell like summertime...and for 75.00 per 1 fl ou, that's a steal. Psych, I can' afford this! After application, my skin felt tighter around my eyes and my cheeks felt smoother. Perhaps Skin&Co is the real deal.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "I hope with all my heart that another sub sends me a Skin&Co product, because I'll never be able to afford it on my own."
• "I don't know what 'serums' actually do...so...I just won't use this.

Sumita Beauty: Kala Color Intense Pencil- Very similar to the Urban Decay 24/7 liner and I'm in love. Sumita doesn't blend quite as easily as Urban Decay, and that is awesome. Sumita in Kala is very black and actually lasts all day. The pencil is not retractable and did break while filling in my cat eye, but I can forgive those faults. If I didn't have a surplus of black liners, I'd absolutely repurchase this pencil.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "I needed another black liner, like I need another hole in my head."
• "I am such a n00b when it comes to makeup and the only thing that I know how to do with black liners is to ring my whole eye like a whore."

Well played, Glossybox...for several months now, you have been lacking...but luckily you're making a comeback. Friendship: Renewed.

Grade: B+

Blush Mystery Beauty Box: February 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Bioxidea Miracle 48: Excellence Gold- With extreme hesitation I tried this expensive gummy-like facial mask and I only lasted for 5 minutes with it on. Face masks in general scare me, due to a fairly severe allergic reaction that I had to one in high school. Also noteworthy, my skin is very sensitive, so my review my not be the most helpful. After 5 minutes of use, my cheeks slightly started to burn and I removed the mask. My skin felt tighter, semi-soft and dry. For extra measure, I took a Benadryl to curb any possible side-effect that may develop. I like the idea of facial masks, but ultimately they scare me, harm my skin and waste my time. 

Reasons to Bitch

• "$25 dollars for a one-time use mask, what am I made out of...money?"
• "I was highly allergic to this face mask and now I have to wear a ski mask until it gets better.  
• "I felt like I had cold lunch meet on my face, due to the jelly like texture of the mask. Eee."

NYX: Are You Depreyeved of Long and Full Lashes Mascara Serum: Jet Black- How basic can one mascara be...look no further, NYX has that answer. This is nothing more than a "beginner" mascara and it does nothing for my lashes.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Why, oh why can't we ever receive any other color than black?"
• "I am drowning in mascara and wonder why makeup subs keep sending them."

NCLA Nail Wraps- Pizzo- If these worked well, I'd be all about them, but they don't. They are no better than taping on fancy wrapping paper to your nails. Sadly for NCLA, their competitors know how to make a nail wrap, leaving their product with much to be desired.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I didn't sign up to receive cheap nail stickers!"
• "With these sweet nails, I will absolutely land me that dream job that I wanted...as a stripper."

Klorane: Dry Shampoo with Nettle- Klorane is an excellent brand which keeps producing incredible products. This Dry Shampoo has a refreshing mint scent that refreshes and revitalizes your hair, without weighing it down. Beautiful.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Well this will go into my 'Things to bring to a desert island' bag." Blush, I  actually wash my hair.
• "This leaves a filmy, white residue on my hair...because I use way too much of it and spray too close to my head.

DHC Deep Cleansing Oil- As much as I'd like to join the "cult following," of DHC, it just isn't going to happen. Oil cleansers are often the cause of future breakouts, and that is the antithesis of my skin care regimen.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Isn't this an old person makeup remover? I mean, you can order it from a catalog."
• "How old school is this packaging? I mean, DHC, did you give up after your first lame product design?"

Elizabeth Arden: Untold Eau de Parfum- Horrible bottle design. The last time this style of bottle was on trend, the Golden Girls were new to television. The scent is a mixture of 'old lady and intrigue' and who knew that would smell so good. Golden Girls & Bitchbox approved.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This perfume didn't come with a little spritzer and my fine motor skills are still developing."
• "I cannot stand when subs send me perfume samples, I can get those for free. Unsubscribe."

VBEAUTE: Rub Off Gentle Facial Exfoliator- Rub off exfoliators are rapidly gaining popularity in the skin care realm due to the immediate visible results. As off putting as seeing your dead skin cells clump together and roll off your face, I can't deny the overall satisfaction and results of the product.

Reasons to Bitch

• "If I wanted to remove the first layer of my skin, I'd get a chemical peel."
• "I don't enjoy having a glue-like substance, cling to my facial hair, making me look like I have a skin disease."

Jonathan: Finish Control High Shine Flexible Hairspray (Bonus Gift)- Amazing. I haven't been more satisfied with a hairspray than I am with this one. I think the packaging needs updated, but the product itself is great. The hold, texture and scent is light and airy. A+ 

Reasons to Bitch

• "I wanted a different 'free gift.' Ugh I have all the worst luck."
• "Aerosol destroys the ozone layer. Do you actually think that I want that on my consequence?"

Grade: B+

Pop Sugar Must Have: February 2014

If being single on Valentine's day was your only problem, then you clearly didn't receive this box. Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Nourish Organic Argan Face Serum- As lackluster as this product is, I'm pleased with the timing of it. The polar vortex is destroying my skin and nothing has been able to save me from it. Used only when needed, Nourish Organic Argan oil is impressive.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I have super oily skin already and then you send me facial oil? Is this a colossal joke?"
• "I don't use products like this, ever. I refuse to even try to incorporate this into my routine."

Sugarwish Candy: Cinnamon Hearts- I don't know how many cinnamon hearts are packed into this box, but I've eaten almost all of them. Out of all things candy, this one wouldn't be my all-time pick, but I can no longer deny it's cinnamon-y goodness.

 Reasons to Bitch

• "I know I was one of those crotchety women that died when receiving the 'drug store' chocolate several boxes back...and you correct the situation with an over-priced, candy-shop featuring cinnamon hearts...instead of chocolate? Really. Happy Valentine's day to NO ONE.
• "Cinnamon is much too spicy. Ow wee."

Gorjana Brooks Jewelry Roll- I like the idea of a jewelry roll and I didn't have one, but this one just doesn't fit my style. Red, sassy leather for all of my business trips and vacations that I don't actually go on. The wrap design fascinates me and I can appreciate the  jewelry roll itself, but the style is more of a "subscribe to this magazine and get a tacky red jewelry roll for freesies."

Reason to Bitch

• "Just in case my boyfriend that I DON'T have suddenly buys me jewelry...I'll have a place to keep it safe...from all of my imaginary friends, that is.
• "I like bold, statement pieces that can't even fit in this jewelry roll. Color me sad."

NCLA Nail Polish: Rodeo Drive Royalty- NCLA just isn't going to happen for me. I don't find the formula lasting, chip proof or high-end. The deep dark red is fitting for Valentine's day...assuming you even have plans.

Reasons to Bitch

• "If I didn't already own this color from every other nail company, I just might be excited."
• "I don't wear polishes and can't understand why beauty subs keeps sending them to me."

Model Co. Lip Pops Duo Lip Gloss and Lip Stick: Finding a good lip stick is like finding a good bra; basically mission impossible. Overall, I was highly impressed with this lip product. Worn singularly as a gloss or a lip stick is just one of the beautiful aspects of this product.
 Reasons to Bitch

• "I don't wear lipsticks, or glosses. A double no."
• "I have no one to kiss on Valentine's day, other than my cats...and they don't require lipstick."

K. Hall Designs Candle Tin: Peony- I adore candles, but this one makes me want to dig a hole, climb into it and never come out again. The next time I travel and want to have sex to a horrible smelling candle...I'll be in luck.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I have severe allergies that prevent me from enjoying simple pleasures in life like scented candles."
• "Floral scents remind me of funeral homes...and that just isn't romantic."

Dial Vitamin Boost Body Wash- The body wash that has caused extreme turmoil, frustration and embarrassing verbal attacks on other subscribers is the ultimate 'gem of the box.' While this body wash is fine, it is extremely out of place, causing the most ridiculous uproar that I have seen to date.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Even Wal-Mart refuses to carry Dial because it's so cheap."
• "I'm specifically not going to shower just to show my spite for this soap."

Long story short: Everyone fought about this soap and attacked each other, until they used it and surprisingly enjoyed it. Hence, Dials new tagline for their Vitamin Boost Body Wash:

"Even pretentious bitches like us."

Overall, this wasn't the box for me. While I seem to be enjoying the products more so than I thought, I can't help but feel a bit jaded, dishearted and...defeated.

Grade: D

Ipsy: January 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

January seems to be a challenge for subscription boxes and well, onto the review:

"Reasons to Bitch" is all inspired by what others are bitching about on message boards. Thanks for bitching, bitches.

Elizabeth Mott Smooth Shadow: Pearl- Shimmery shadow that easily blends is a welcomed addition to any makeup collection. The Pearl color can be used as a highlighter or for a quick-fix to wake up tired eyes.

Reasons to Bitch

• "How in the world do I sharpen this plastic pencil? This is simply beyond me."
• (A really sharp sharper, is what you need.")
• "I don't like the color I received and will never even consider experimenting with this."

Épicé Purifying Exfoliant- Facial exfoliants are never exciting to me, but seemingly Épicé has a good one. I don't think at anytime, I'll be switching up my routine,  but this will make a good scrub for the gym bag...whenever I go back to the gym. 

Reasons to Bitch

• "Épicé isn't all that well known and I already have a top-rated skin care regimen."
• "I was over zealous while scrubbing my face and now I'm in pain."

MicaBeauty Tinted Lip Balm: Natural- This is the absolute driest lip 'balm' in the world and that breaks my heart. The color is a darker nude and it doesn't really match my skin tone. Paired with a deep, smoky eye this product just may work.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This balm soaked up all the moisture that I had in my lips, leaving me all chapped...and sad."
• "Balms that do not include a brush are breeding pools for bacteria and diseases."

Proactiv+ Mark Fading Pads- Proactive+ is a well-trusted brand and one that has changed my life. I will forever use their products. Luckily, I don't have a need for the mark fading pads, but with 4 pads included in my bag, it's not like I'll even know if they work.

[Edit 2/20/2014] These mark fading pads smell like onions and alcohol, plus they burn. This is simply an awful product. Proactiv+ why? Why!

Reasons to Bitch

• "Proactiv+ is just too harsh for my little skin."
• "I can't afford the Proactiv+ system and don't realize that Wal-Mart makes almost the exact same formula as Proactiv+ itself.

Sexy Hair: Healthy Sexy Hair Soy Tri-Wheat Leave In Conditioner- Sexy Hair is a brand I believe in. Their products are always on the cutting edge of hair styling and they really do live up to their name. This product can be used for all four seasons and improve overall hair-health.

Reasons to Bitch

• "All I ever get is 'Sexy Hair' products and I'm drowning in them."
• "I enjoy my coarse pubic like hair and don't see how a leave-in conditioner will help."

Overall, this bag seemed a little misguided, but it wasn't without a valiant attempt.

January 2014 Bag Edition -I was the least excited to get this bag, because online...it just looked so damn awful, but it's absolutely my favorite bag to date. The contrasting blues, simple design and over-sized pouch is perfect.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This bag smells like a chemical explosion and I absolutely had to throw it away."
• "Considering this bag looks like it was made out of a pool lining, I'd be more comfortable receiving it in the summer months.

Grade: B- (literally an 80.25%)

Pop Sugar Must Have: January 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Hello Pop Sugar, thank you for being in my life. After last January's debacle, I had zero faith in this box. Onto the review:  

"Reasons to Bitch" is all inspired by what others are bitching about on message boards. Thanks for bitching, bitches.

Rifle Paper Co. 2014 Flip Around the World Desk Calendar- As cute as this calendar is, it's not very practical. The days of the week are not listed and there isn't enough room to write in appointments. 

"Do you want to meet next Thursday?"
"Let me look at my calendar."
"...I have no idea."

Reasons to Bitch

• "Why would we receive a calendar halfway through January? Bad planning, PopShug."
• "I already have my daily bible verse calendar, so this is going in the trash."

Jack and Lucy Knit Tech Gloves- These are simply not awesome. The stitching, 'tech-tips,' and overall fit of the gloves is a let down. These gloves do work for the iPhone, but you have to adjust the way you type and that's a slight hassle. Ultimately, it's like Jack and Lucy, didn't really care about their product and well, it shows.

Reasons to Bitch

• "When I thought of tech gloves, I didn't imagine knit gloves poorly made by my nana."
• "I live in a sunny paradise and I know not one person that could ever use a pair of gloves, especially these gloves."

The Juice Generation Book- Assuming that I can find half of these products, without going to the Farmer's Market, I think this is a great idea. The practicality of this book and me actually taking the time to make these spinach infused peach drinks, well that's a whole other adventure.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I don't have a juicer OR a blender...and you expect me to buy that?"
• "I am anti-veggies and fruits. I can't even consider this lifestyle."

Malin+Goetz Detox Face Mask- This is the star of the box, and star of the month. A detox face  mask that doesn't destroy your face and peel off that precious layer of skin, is unheard of...until now. This mask bubbles upon application, detoxes ones pores and leaves your skin feeling hydrated.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I'm incredibly allergic to the soy in this product. I'll die another day, thank you."
• "This face mask makes me feel like their are 100 little ants crawling all over my face."

Pipsnacks White Truffle Popcorn- Incredible, mini, truffle-oil infused popcorn. This is about as luxurious and pretentious as popcorn can get. I hope this company makes it to the stores, because it is amazing.

Reasons to Bitch

• "We were sent popcorn last month and now...we get it again. I get angry about things like this."
• "I thought this was a white-chocolate kind of truffle, but to my horror, it was mushroom truffle."

Revlon by marchesa box O’ Files- Nail files has never been my thing, but these are wonderful. I think they are small enough to quickly shape the nail and not take off too much. They fit in even the tiniest of all clutches. Great find.

Reasons to Bitch  

• "This is not a lux item and I'm heavily insulted that it was included in my box."
• "Drug store item alert! Let the freak-outs commence!"  

Overall, January was a great month, but don't let my positive outlook deter you from bitching.

Grade: A-

Birchbox: January 2014

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Birchy-box, welcome home! Did your New Year's Resolution consist of sending out quality boxes? Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Fekkai: Brilliant Glossing Crème- Never have I ever used a better crème than Fekkai. The scent, texture and finish is better than that of any salon I have ever gone to. Fekkai is phenomenal.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This product has been on the market for several years now? Why are you just now discovering it?"
• "Um, yes. Target sells this and you expect me to believe that it's high-end?"

Inika: Mineral Eye Shadow in Eternal Marine- Mineral shadows take a bit of skill to master and usually has a lot of fallout. This product last for hours and stays in place far better than my experience with other mineral products. With the dazzling color and sheen, Inika in Eternal Marine will take the perfect nighttime look to the celebrity level.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Mineral shadows are too messy for me and I'm not very skilled in makeup application."
• "I don't love the color I received and I'll never venture away from my outdated look to wear this."

Juicy Couture: Couture La La- This scent smells very similar to something that I wore when I was younger and it doesn't really work with me now. The scent is light, sweet and...innocent? Overall, it's nice, but I feel like it was meant for a younger crowd.
 
Reasons to Bitch

• "I hate receiving perfume samples and all you ever send me is Juicy."
• "Just because it's over-priced, doesn't make it Couture."

Nail Rock: Velvet- This is by far the coolest product that I have received from Birchbox. Dark velvety nails is such a sexy idea. I wasn't impressed with staying power, but that's not really the selling point of this product.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I stupidly put a top coat over the velvet and now...it's just not fuzzy anymore."
• "Messy, messy, messy! I simple can't handle the mess!"

Burt's Bees: Intense Hydration Day Lotion- I am in love, in love with a lotion. The scent smells like summer and that's incredible. The texture, consistency and overall feel of the product was impressive. My hands actually felt hydrated after using the lotion. Well played, Burt.

Reasons to Bitch

• "How dare you include this 'mass market product' in my box?"
• "Burt's Bees? Are you serious? Only 'People of Wal-Mart' use Burt's Bees."

Overall, Birchbox killed any and all competitor this month and I hope that's just the beginning.

Grade: A+

Blush Mystery Beauty Box: January 2014

Sweet Photo Skills by Jzim

Blush Mystery Beauty box has arrived and it strangely seems as if it was curated by someone on crack... Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

LeEdge Skin Exfoliator- After a stressful day, I like to unwind by dragging a dull blade across my body to relax. Thankfully LeEdge has come to the rescue. Really, what is that? Scrapping off dead skin with a dull blade? Was this needed? Am I that scaly? I slid this down my arm without being in the shower and that was painful. I then gave it a try in the shower and that just felt like an extremely ineffective shave. Overall, my skin felt...violated.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This is on-sale on Amazon and for me, that devalues the entire content of the box."
• "LeEdge increases suicidal ideation and that's a big no-no."

Jane Iredale: Just Kissed Lip Plumber: Tokyo- Slightly tingly, pleasantly colored, strawberry scented lipstick, this would be a phenomenal find if it was full-sized. The color goes on much lighter than it looks and it doesn't dry out your lips.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This lipstick is rounded at the tip and it doesn't shape by lips like it should."
• "The sample was too small considering it was the ONLY makeup product in the box."

Osmosis Skincare Harmonized Water Digestive Health- I would like to believe in gimmicks like quick-fix products...but this one yields zero results, negative or positive. The 'trick,' if you will, is to add 2ml to a glass of water and drink twice daily. Then over time your skin will improve and so will your insides. After we decode the bullshit, it is easy to see that you just added extra glasses of water to your diet. Water improves skin and overall health...not a $30 bottle of "Harmonized Water."

Reasons to Bitch

• "This isn't something that should even be included in a beauty box. It's a dietary aide."
• "You can keep your voodoo away from me. There's only one water that can cleanse me."

Goldfaden Md: Wake Up Call- I am neither pleased, nor displeased with this product. It's a facial rejuvenator that I'm hesitant to try due to the harsh wintery conditions. There aren't many reviews on this product and with such sensitive skin, I'm not looking to experiment at this time.

Reasons to Bitch

• "What an expensive price-tag for a full size bottle. OMG, no thanks."
• "I already have an extensive skin-care routine and I'm not about to introduce a new product."

Klorane Leave-In Cream with Desert Date- The spicy scent reminds me of the cologne that my creepy study-hall teacher wore when he would stand over me and uncomfortably rub my shoulders. Other than awakening that re-pressed memory, Klorane Leave-In Cream leaves me feeling incredible. My hair is smooth, manageable and light. Trip to the guidance counselor, not needed. A+

Reasons to Bitch

• "Leave-In creams leave my hair greasy and my heart, sad."
• "I really want the hair mask that some others received. This is so my luck."

Gytone Hydrating Eye Cream- Scentless and slightly tingly this Hydrating Eye Cream has me hooked. Sleepless nights are quickly concealed with this hydrating formula.

[Edit 2/20/2014] I like this product very much, but I'm allergic to it. If I only put it under my eye, no reaction...near my brow bone, well...let's just not go there.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I accidently got this in my eyes and the burning pain was unbelievable."
• "I don't use eye-creams, because I'm a Botox type of gal."

Overall, there were some hidden gems in this box...but it certainly could have used some improvement.

Grade: E for Effort. Sometimes, creativity just isn't appreciated.

Glossybox: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Glossybox, why! Why, why, why! Somebody out there loved their box, but it certainly wasn't me. The products for this month were quite anti-climatic and well, no girl enjoys that. Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Anatomicals: You Need A Blooming Shower!- Even if I enjoyed the horrendous scent of "panty-liner rose" I would still have an issue with the gaudy packaging and advertisement scheme. Nothing about this product worked for me. The scent, tacky colors and verbiage was an utter catastrophe. Who wants to take a shower and smell worse after it?

Reasons to Bitch

• "I don't much care for floral scents and that is putting it nicely."
• "Anatomicals is such a cheap line of skin care. How good can that be for me?"

Ardency Inn: PUNKER World's Baddest Eyeliner- The only gem in the box was the eyeliner, but I'm neither a 'punk,' nor 'badass,' so the marketing for this little liner is again, wasted. The liner is that of a black sharpie and works quite well. It lasts all day and well into those dark and dreary nights.  

Reasons to Bitch

• "I like to pretend that I'm good at applying makeup, but cannot seem to use a liner correctly."
• "I got this confused with my sharpie and now I'm all messed up." Permanently.

Michael Todd True Organics: Pumpkin Mask- Clearly printed on the bottle is a warning against use on sensitive skin. Well, that's cool. Unless, I wanted a super-fun rash that swells my eyes shut for days on end..I think I'll pass.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Michael Todd tried to kill me with this product."
• "I hate all forms of pumpkin...so yeah, I'll smear that on my face."

Nails Inc. Victoria Polish- As for an international nail polish, I am fairly pleased. Again, the visual of the bottle itself is lacking, but the polish and crimson color are decent. Overall, Nails Inc. offers a shiny, no-chip product.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I'm one of those fussy people that complain about products not made in the USA."
• "The rounded cap makes application quite difficult and my fine motor skills are weak."

Naobay: Oxygenating Cream Moisturizing- Lotion. Over-priced, Boring Lotion. If I'm going to pay for a lotion that costs over 20 dollars an ounce, I'd like to at least enjoy it. Out of all the competitors in the body care line, this one makes no sense.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This lotion promises so many benefits, but I can't afford it to find out."
• "Naobay is a natural and organic product...and I'm not one of those people."

Overall, this box was not curated for me. It's not that the products were 'bad,' they just were meant for someone else. Very sad ending for year 2k13.

Grade: D

Birchbox: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

Hello! Birch-y-Box-y. It's that time of year again, where unrealistically high hopes come crashing down around us; commonly known as gift-giving season! Did you get what you wanted? Probably not. Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Dr. Lipp: Original Nipple Balm for Lips- I have waited foreverrr for this product (I really have) and after a quick 12 months, I finally got it. Now, the name is a little off-putting, but it's no secret, this product really works.

Reasons to Bitch

• "OMG, a beauty sub sending out nipple balms! I didn't sign up for a sex box!"
• "I didn't know this was for my lips...and now I don't have any left to try it out..."

FushionBeauty LashFushion XL: Black Mascara- Another Mascara and a sad one at that. The brush is oversized and the product is too thick to coat the lashes properly. Lame.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Enough with the black mascaras! At this point, I'll take any other color, but black."
• "I'm not sure if the mascara was dried out or just poorly made. Either way, lameeee."

Grand Central Beauty: S.M.A.R.T Skin Perfecting Polisher- Made with natural botanicals and formulated for sensitive skin...that's perfect! The gross factor is still high, because it attaches to dead skins cells and beads up onto your face. But whatever. Anything to stay ahead of the game.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This doesn't sound like it's for sensitive skin. I'm canceling. Effective immediately."
• "I don't like facial peels! Why can't you cater to my personal needs better?"

Toni & Guy: Casual Sea Salt Texturising Spray- Beach hair! I never have it, because the sun scares me, but now I can join the cool crowd. The scent is wonderful and the effect is lasting. An overall impressive product.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Errr, I live by the beach...did you not read that in my profile?!"
• "I already have wavy-soccer-mom-hair, so what's the point of this?"

Twistband: Hair Tie- I cannot get enough of the Twistband. The Twistband is completely revolutionary for hairstyling. It doesn't pull, stretch or snap. Finally, hair ties have been perfected.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I didn't like the original Twistband Headband...and then you send me this."
• "I could make this! I mean, I won't...but I want to belligerently put that out there that I could."

Overall, I was pleased. None of my products were missing and that alone, is huge. Birchbox continues to be a fun surprise and the customer service is always top-notch. Birchbox, I'll be seeing you in 2014.

Grade: B

Ipsy: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

With Christmas parties on the horizon, this month was all about celebrating and looking good while downing the eggnog. With such excitement on the way, what could go wrong...? Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

POP Beauty Bright Up Your Life Eye Shadow Trio- Naturally Bare: I was pleasantly surprised with this shadow, considering how the Pop Beauty crayon was an ultra bust. The colors are full of shimmer and they easily layer upon each other. You can create a natural eye or sultry dimensions...depending on your skill, of course. Well done POP Beauty.

Reason to Bitch

• "This was made in China and I simply refuse to use it."
• "Woah...there is just way too much glitter in these shadows for my style. No thanks."

Be a Bombshell The One Stick: Sunset- Be a Bombshell is an excellent brand that continues to impress. Multi-tasking beauty products are becoming increasingly popular and "The One Stick" doesn't disappoint. The color, texture and overall feel of the product is fantastic. This product has officially been added to my work bag. A+

Reasons to Bitch

• "The color is so horrendous on me that I am telling all of my friends to cancel."
• "Enough with the 'Be a Bombshell' cosmetics. They are just too awesome and I want to ruin everyone else's fun.

Ardell Natural Lash: I want to love lashes, I really do...but I feel like a drag queen in them. Not to be confused with the gorgeous RuPaul. I like the natural look of these and how the glue was included.

Reasons to Bitch

• "One of the fake lashes got underneath my contact and now I'm blind."
• "I accidently glued my eyes shut while trying to apply these. Shame."

J.Cat Beauty Big Lip Pencil: Caramel Mocha- Creamy, pigmented and overall impressive lip product. This pencil is travel-worthy and great for any last minute parties.

Reasons to Bitch

• "How many times do I have to tell you that I HATE red lipsticks!"
• "J.Cat isn't very well know and therefore, not for me."

Starrily Nail Polish: Bzz Bzz- Nothing screams Christmas like a black and yellow sparkle polish. No? I'm wrong? I put this on my nails and attempted to like it, but it's just not my style. Wah.

Reasons to Bitch

• "U.G.L.Y you don't got no alibi, you're ugly. Yeah, yeah, you're ugly."
• "Sparkly polish doesn't apply very well for me!"

Overall, this month didn't astound me, but I am still very happy. Honorable mention to this months bag, itself; as it was phenomenal. Happy holidays an keep on bitching.

Grade: B

Pop Sugar Must Have: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

 

It's Christmas time and people are full of love, cheer and the holiday spirit...Oh wait...wrong blog. People are full of hate, stupidity and greed...People are on a rampage this month, attacking Pop Sugar for this box. Why? Well, why not? Onto the review:

[Edit 12/13/13]: The above statement of "People are full of hate, stupidity and greed" doesn't solely apply to you, the reader. It is a joke, perhaps not that funny to some, but a joke nonetheless. I assure you that you are smart, lovely and everything else under the rainbow. Love, Jamie.

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Lulu Frost for Pop Sugar Bracelet: This is such a gorgeous, vintage, modern bracelet. The colors are so complimentary to each other and it's exceptionally versatile. I can't imagine an outfit that this wouldn't go great with. The only downside is that it says "Lulufrost for Pop Sugar" on the opposite side of the bauble. Womp. Overall, adorable bracelet.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Er, $110 for this bracelet...I would never pay that."
• "It doesn't fit me and I could and would neverrrr buy a bracelet extender."

Modelco Fibre Lashxtend Black Mascara: Another black mascara...innovative? Exciting? No, but a must-have...yes. Perhaps not at this moment, but I wouldn't be who I am without mascara. I don't even look the same without mascara. I think the mirror on the tube is fun, but I'm not blown away.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I am drowning in mascara, and I don't realize that I should actually replace my mascara every 6 months to avoid eye infections"
• "I got this from another sub already and I HATED it."

MIXT Studio Holiday Gifting Set: Love this. This is great; especially if you plan on giving someone a half-assed, not so awesome gift. Presentation is half the battle. It's like you're giving someone hope...'Maybe this year she got me something great!' No...no, I did not. I very much enjoy the stylish, hipster feel of this paper. Well played, MIXT.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I gifted a box with wrapping paper in it?" Omg, I'm so embarrassed."
• "Who considers wrapping paper a must-have? Plus, I don't celebrate Christmas."

Govino Go Anywhere Flutes: How many times have I gone to a picnic and thought, "Yeah, I'd like some wine with this deli hoagie...but I can't drink it out of the bottle, anymore. Never. Govino's marketing strategy of "go anywhere and drink" doesn't really need any help...especially with plastic champagne flutes. This will make the perfect gift...and I already know how I'm wrapping it.

Reasons to Bitch

• "These 'glasses' aren't big enough for the amount of wine I drink."
• "Govino states that these look like crystal, but umm...have they ever seen crystal?  

CC Made Caramel Corn: Incredible. Every year I have to buy one of those embarrassingly large popcorn tins, so this was perfect, albeit a little small. This caramel corn, surely didn't disappoint.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I wear adult braces and my orthodontist is going to be M.A.D.
• "It's party season and I'm already going to be indulging in enough sweets.

NCLA Peppermint Lane Nail Wraps: How fun! I mean, these won't match anything, unless you're wearing an ugly Christmas sweater, but I do like these. Nail wraps are a genius idea and they last forever. I'll probably wear these in the spring time...because that is just how I roll.

[Edit: 12/30/13] Oh no, no, no...these are an awful, horrible, pathetic attempt at a nail wrap. The 'wrap' is too thick and if you have short nails, it's a fail. You simply cannot fold it over and file the wrap to size. Considering my NYE party tomorrow...these wraps are a bust.

Reasons to Bitch

• "These are for a pre-teen and I would never even considering putting these on my toes."
• "Who does their own nails? That's barbaric...I go to the salon."

Ghirardelli Squares Chocolate: I have an unhealthy love with all things candy. The peppermint bark is my all-time favorite and I couldn't be happier with this product. It may not be "high-end" chocolate, like many snactches on message boards are whining about...but I bet you already finished the bag...both bags.

Reasons to Bitch

• "Ghirardelli is poor people chocolate and I'd never let this melt in my mouth."
• "Two bags of delicious candy? Who could ever eat that much?" Ever? Really? How so?"

Overall, I was in love with this box. It had my name written all over it. But, according to the message boards...I must like cheap trash, that I can get at CVS. Lastly, whoever said "Girls love chocolate"...never met these girls.

Rating: A-

Blush Mystery Beauty Box: December 2013

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim
 

After last's months box of "things to not-be-thankful-for ," anything was welcomed for the month of December. Everyone has unrealistically high hopes for every month, but December is usually the "make it or break it month" for subs. Onto the review:

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

NYX Love In Paris Palette: I have never been impressed with any other NYX product, except for their eye shadow. The formula is exquisite and the colors are highly pigmented. I use these shadows mostly for work, because they last all day and the colors are professional. I am very pleased with this versatile and sexy palette.

Reasons to Bitch

• "FML, another NYX product. I'm too pretentious to realize exactly how great this shadow is."
• "Shadow doesn't last all day on my eyes; because I've never heard of shadow primer and then blame the makeup companies for not delivering."

Nailtiques Avocado Foot Cream: Another foot cream, because I ran out of the last two large tubes of cream that I was sent. Psych, I still have plenty. Even though I wasn't in need, I'm very happy with the effectiveness of the product. The scent is lackluster, but the cream is ultra-hydrating. A total win.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This is the third foot cream in four months...and that's just not enough for me."
• "Most nail spas have mint-infused foot cream and apparently Nailtiques didn't know of this."

Sultra Clip in Hair Color- Ultra Pink: The total star of the box for me was this strikingly-colored, human-hair extension. I wish I had this in every color, as this product was made for me. I enjoy how easy it is to clip-in, style and reuse. A+

Reasons to Bitch

• "Made out of real human-hair? Color me offended."
• "I live a boring, sad life. I will never have any functions that require a wild streak from me."

NEOVA Make Up Remover Face and Eyes: Scentless, non-greasy makeup remover that doesn't burn your eyes, how amazing? Make Up Remover is a staple for any beauty guru, especially if you can't nail that smolder-y cat-eye that everyone else seemingly can do.

Reasons to Bitch

• "This isn't make-up and I'm one of those people that complain about this...every month."
• "I still haven't even finished my first bottle, so why do I need this?"

Murad Active Radiance Serum: Murad is such a great skin-care line. I have yet to be disappointed with them. I mean, Murad keeps me beautiful. That should be their tagline, but they forgot to consult with me when launching their company.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I only use Pro-active...so suck on that Murad."
•  "This did not make me look "radiant" as suggested. Nasty letters to follow."

REN Hydra-Calm Global Protection Day Cream: I don't love moisturizers, but this winter is destroying my skin. I was happy to receive this and found it to be hydrating, calming and effective.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I wanted to use this as a night cream, but I'm rule follower."
• "I have offensively oily skin, so thanks for nothing Blush Box."

Eminence Stone Crop Body Lotion: Such a small sample jar makes me a sad panda. This lotion smells and feels incredible, so yes...the tiniest of all jars will do just fine. Wah.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I'm a little bit bigger than a toddler and there isn't even enough lotion for one whole body application."
• "This lotion has a greenish tint to it and that makes me think that it's old or possible molded."

NEOSTRATA Skin Active Exfoliating Wash: This wash is neither good nor bad. It's fine, but with all of the well known exfoliating washes already, switching up is not going to happen anytime soon.

Reasons to Bitch

• "I'm a plain-Jane kind of gal and these fancy washes can take a hike."
• "Exfoliating washes burn my skin and I'm pretty sure that's not what it's supposed to do."

Lisa Hoffman Beauty Japanese Madagascar Orchid Moisturizing Body Cleanse: The product of the box scores a mere 4 out of 10. The scent is outstanding...for an old lady. The consistency is perfect...for a soup. The cleansing effect isn't much better than a scummer bath, anddddd the packaging was gorgeous, said the blind person. Too much?

Reasons to Bitch

• "I'm allergic to perfumed bath products, so this was a waste."
• "I wanted the alternative scent, but now I smell like an old gal."

Overall, this box was so much better than November's epic fail. I'm a bit miffed that their wasn't even a hint of a holiday theme, but I digress.

Rating: B+

Reasons to Bitch: Mother-style.

My sharp-tongue and wit, although refined, all started with watching my mom cunningly interact with the other fools that she reluctantly came into contact with. It is with many years, and a careful ear that I have been able to brush up on and eventually exceed my mother's sarcastic charm. Perhaps, it's her age, or my own interaction's with leech-sucking cum-bags, that create such a brilliant writing technique.

Being such a wonderful and loving daughter, I gave my mom some of the well-received, yet numerous creams that I did not want. I was desperately hoping to bring her into the world which I so very much love. Several days later, I received an email and with that; I bring you her "Reasons to Bitch."

"If I were you blogging, but at my age instead, here is what I would have to say." -Mom.

[Supergoop! Advanced Anti-Aging Eye Cream: Soft old lady scent de jure. Supergoop Eye Cream, goes on greasy...and stays greasy.

 

• Bitch points: I received a pimple on my eyebrow bigger than my eyeball! I still have some of it left and I don't really want to go back to puberty. Perhaps, I'll just keep the wrinkles.

 

Juice Beauty: Stem Cellular Repair Moisturizer- Nice big jar, smells of fresh citrus, should be wonderful! I was excited to try this one! Smooth and creamy, nice off-white color and looks of luxury. 

 

• Bitch points: Cry, cry, cry.....HIVES! Just around my eyes and of course my neck....Luckily, it only lasted until noon the next day...Yay.

 

Elta MD Skin Care: PM THERAPY, nighttime facial moisturizer- It's such a tiny packet, what else could it do other than what is states. That night I ripped open the tiny packet and took notice of the scent. "Does this smell like fresh picked mushrooms? "Why yes, yes it does." I thought this should truly be something wonderfully, organic and earthly good for my tired old skin. For such a small packet, I used the entire thing on my face...

 

• Bitch points:  At first it sort of burnt...yet I know my regular lower class, less-expensive facial cream starts out like this, too. I must wait it out. I go watch the television and it's still burning ...and the scent of mushrooms still haunts me. Oh no, my right eye is starting to tear. Why? Perhaps because I am laying down. I should sit up...then my left eyes starts to leak. OH NO, my right eye is SWELLING UP. Then it erupted all at once. My entire right eye swelled shut and I went to the bathroom to scrub my face. Good news: only my right eye swelled shut for about 2 hours and my left eye only half-way swelled up.  I'm okay. I'm okay.]

 

Overall, I thought I was introducing my mom into the wonderful world of luxury skin care and beauty. I, inadvertently tried to kill her, instead.

 

This has been your bonus issue of: "How to kill your mother."

 

 

Glossybox: November 2013

Sweet Photo-skills of Jzim

Glossybox is like the "sleeper" out of all of the beauty subscriptions. There isn't really ever any buzz about it and the product spoilers never really jazz anyone. It isn't until you actually open the box and try the products, that you realize that you have dramatically upgraded your makeup collection.
 
Theme: Holiday Romance (I don't have a clue how they came up with this theme. Nothing correlates and there is no red lip, glitter, shimmer or shine, included in the box. A better theme would have been "Refined Classic, but they didn't ask me."
 
For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.
 
Emite Makeup: Micronized Eye Shadow in Dams- The queen of all black shadows has officially been discovered. I am so impressed with the texture, color and blending quality of this product. Most black shadows are overbearing and not very user-friendly. This shadow is buildable and leaves a flawless finish. A+
 
Reasons to Bitch

• "I am way too pale to use the timeless black shadow and I'm scared of even trying it."
• "Halloween is over...so black shadow, neat not apply."

Masty: Color Protection Color Protecting Leave-in Oil Treatment- $25 for 2oz is a bit pricey for hair oil. I'm currently obsessed with another oil, so I'm not overly excited to try this. The scent was nothing spectacular. Hair oils should be included in everyone's routine, so overall, this will be useful.
 
Reasons to Bitch

• "Er, doesn't hair oil do the same thing as conditioner?" (Be ashamed if you thought this.)
• "Who adds oil to their hair? I don't see the point."

Nicka K: New York Professional Eyeshadow Brush- This brush is made with 'pony hair,' and that creeps me out. As far as brushes go, this is average. There is no overwhelming technology that astounds me or improves my look. It's what it is...a brush...made with horse hair. No winners here.
 
Reasons to Bitch

• "I never use shadow and can't possibly find another use for this brush."
• "I don't use any animal related product, and this includes pony hair."

The Aloe Source: Jojoba Radiance Cleansing Polish- Neat. Another facial cleanser. The scent is plain and the cleansing effect is average. There is nothing exciting about this. Even the packaging is boring.
 
Reasons to Bitch

• "I only use that scary high-powered skin product that increases suicide ideation."
• "I'm a bar soap and wash cloth kind of gal. I don't need all them fancy products."

Vincent Longo: Duo Eye Pencil- Incredible, multi-look pencil in 'complimentary shades.' This pencil is perfect for creating a multitude of stunning looks. I am absolutely pleased with this product and hope to see more of Mr. V. Longo in the upcoming months.
 
Reasons to Bitch

• "I got the super cool and trendy green combo pencil and I just want to bitch about that."
• "I don't use a double-headed anything, and that includes eyeliner."

Overall, this box was a stalemate. I'm certainly not disappointed, but I'm not in-love either. The theme makes no sense and any kind of 'Holiday Romance,' that comes my way over the next month better not include any pony-hair. That my friend, is a deal-breaker.

Grade: B, thanks to the shadows and liner, mind you.

Glossybox & Byrdie: October 2013 Review

Sweet Photo Skills of Jzim

 

The eagerly awaited Glossybox, collaborated with Byrdie arrived early this morning. In the wee hours of 10:30 am, I awoke to my mailman beating down my door. Awake and disoriented, I decided to find out, if in fact, the bird is the word.

For each product you will see my own opinion and underneath that you will see "Reasons to Bitch." Reasons to Bitch is all inspired and generated from what others are bitching about on message boards.

Balance Me Shine on Tinted Lip Salve: Super Soft Beige - As happy as I was to receive a lip product, I was slightly less than excited that it was a salve. When applied, there is literally no visible color and it smells like spearmint. The salve is ultra smoothing and moisturizing, so it does deliver...but it's not anywhere near the quality that I look for.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "The color doesn't last long at all, or even show up for that matter."
• "It smells like spearmint, which reminds me of Freedent and that's a turn-off."

BVLGARI: Eau Parfumee Au The Vert De Cologne- Every woman should own at least one BVLGARI perfume. Not only is the bottle design sleek and classy, but the scent is so glamorous that even an ugly girl can feel pretty. This particular scent has a summery, feminine vibe that I can't get enough of.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "There isn't a spritzer on it and my man hands will get the perfume everywhere."
• "I have no idea how to pronounce the name so how will I tell my lover what to get me?"

Fresh: Lotus Youth Preserve Face Cream- When Charlie Brown goes Trick-or-treating and everybody gets candy and Charlie gets a rock...well that is how I feel about Face Creams. "I got a rock." With that said, I actually like this face cream. It was smooth and served as a great foundation for the rest of my make-up. Retailing at $42 for a full-size version, I didn't expect it to disappoint.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "It kind of smells like an organic garden and that's too weird for me."
• "I have way too many moisturizers and old people creams."

Sesha: Renu Exfoliating Gel- This product is so gross, that it is absolutely incredible. After you cleanse your face and your skin is completely dry, you rub this lubricant like gel on your face and watch it cling to your dead skin cells. The dead skin cells then roll up and peel off your face. I mean this is vile, horrible, awful and the absolute highlight of my day. An absolute must-have.

Reasons to Bitch:

• "I had to take several tums after using this product, because it upset my stomach from the gross-factor."
• "It kind of looked like sperm, but didn't smell like it though."

Tarte: Lights, Camera, Flashes Statement Mascara- I had such high hopes for this "statement" mascara, because my little lashes are less than impressive. If applied correctly, this mascara does it all. It takes a bit of time, but the outcome is insane. The packaging is adorable and the product is scientifically proven. I can now see my lashes when I half close my eyes. A++

Reasons to Bitch:

• "I already have long lushes lashes and I don't see the point in this."
• "This didn't do anything for me, because I failed to read the instructions."

Overall, the bird, bird, bird really is the word.

A+ Glossybox, A+